Bo(u)lder.

Honestly, I've been trying to write this post for the last 4 months but I haven't been able to find the words. Despite a lot of things changing around me, I've yet to actually shift. My last few posts have been comprised of all the things I needed to do, was going to do, but had yet to actually incorporate into my daily life. I've been talking a really good talk. Sure, there was the occasional day where I did what all those self-help books have been telling me for almost a year, but overall I was failing at actually living the life I could be. Instead, to make myself feel better, I'd give wonderful and positive advice to others by regurgitating quotations and making myself sound impressive or "enlightened" but realistically I was failing to live by example, which is a major problem. 

The reason that I've refused to change, to take my own advice and really live for me, is out of fear. Fear that I could actually make positive changes, fear that I could actually help and inspire people and what that responsibility entails. Fear of failing myself -- again. It's easier for me to just stand on the sidelines and judge than jump in and get my hands dirty. It's terrible, but it's the rut I have been in for sometime now. 

There is an incredible amount of pressure placed on young people, perhaps some of it self made, to succeed right out of the gate; "I have my education, now where's all the work?" For some it happens right away, they don't have to worry about much because their families have their backs financially or they end up landing their dream job immediately, setting them up financially for the long haul.  For the rest of us it's a constant uphill battle, pushing a boulder, with a tiny elf, named Student Loans, sitting on our back calling us weaklings everyday and reminding us to keep pushing or we will roll back down the hill and have to start all over again. I've had a few glorious breaks heading up the mountain this year, but that's all they were -- breaks -- a stop for air, a swig of water, a stretch, before I felt the crack of the elf's whip and needed to get back to pushing. I've put an incredible amount of pressure on myself by feeling that if I didn't make it to the top of the mountain this year I would be considered a failure. There's that word again, failure. The reality is, it takes years and years and years to get to the top, and for some, they never make it. 

So then why do they do it? Is someone at the top of the mountain with a trip to Cuba or some other equally awesome incentive? What's the point of all this pushing if there isn't anything there? 

Last year I got a significant break from pushing my boulder, 4 months to be exact, that break was Olympus. For those of you who may not know, I'm currently starring as a lead character on an international television show playing in Ireland, London, Germany, the United States and Canada. But despite the reach of the show and my role within it (one that I'm very proud of), my life has remained unchanged. When I booked the role, only one person, a mentor of mine, was honest with me. She said, "This project is simply a wave and it does not guarantee anything." Although I heard what she'd said, and tried to view it as simply that, I too often entertained the idea of this project being a game changer for me, and it quickly went to my head. 

After Olympus premiered I vainly and naively expected a massive amount of attention.  I had built up the show up in my mind (and on my social media feeds) to God like proportions, pun intended. I have a great character, with an incredible arc and some pretty decent scenes, which all ended up falling on mostly deaf ears, due to some unsightly promotional issues and lack of budget. My ego was shattered. Without the world’s validation that my performance was award winning, or at the very least -- good, I became depressed. I lost sight of myself because I had spent, seriously, every spare moment of my time preparing and editing my "image" for the spotlight.  I majorly anticipated and was disappointed. I, for those 6 months leading up to the premiere, needed the world’s approval and, big surprise; it has yet to come and might never. 

Each time I auditioned after the premiere of Olympus the casting director, or artistic directors, would ask me what I was working on to which I would reply, "I'm currently a series lead on a new SyFy show called Olympus." And they would look at me like I spoke another language, "Oh cool, never heard of it." It was during these interactions I realized that my biggest job to date was essentially moot. They didn't care. They hadn't seen it or had any intention of watching it. The saying, "you are only as good as your last job" didn't work in literally any situation for me. Instead, "you're only as good as the work you're currently doing" was more truthful.

Being a series lead on one of the many TV shows this year does not guarantee a career for me, it does not guarantee a career for anyone, it was simply an incredible experience for a young actor to be on set for 4 months, right out of theatre school, working with talented people and being surrounded by the British Columbian landscape --which is gorgeous. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Until I saw the episodes in their entirety all I had was the memories of conversations, dances, jokes, laughter, loves, lessons, challenges and food. Oh God, the food. These are what made my time incredible and life changing, not the product and what people think of it, because watching the show you don't see any of the memories that were created. It made me realize that no matter how hard one might work, no matter how incredible the artists and visionaries around you are, sometimes things just don't commercially work out. No matter how much heart goes into it. And that's perfectly okay. 

Which brings me back to the boulder metaphor. If there can be so much love, care and artistry piled into a project that when it finally comes to fruition and seemingly no one cares, why do we do it? 

For the experiences. For the memories. For the people. For the conversations it might evoke. 

There is no getting ahead, no corporate ladder to climb, no benchmarks that guarantee a career in this life -- the life of an artist -- so the only real thing to pursue is the aforementioned. Those are what create a full life. Those are what make a better more inspiring and relatable artist. Having an impressive resume doesn't get you into heaven; it doesn't make you a better parent, or cook, or lover or friend. It's a just a piece of paper with words on it telling people about your past. 

It's like an obituary. 

Right now I have the power to define myself, to validate myself, to take pleasure in being with my boulder. To stop pushing and simply roll. I've never dreamed of fame, despite being disillusioned by it, I've only dreamt of notoriety; having a solid reputation to build upon, consistent work. That's my personal definition of success. The only way that I can achieve my dream is to stop walking around with my hand out and start creating with what I have. 

These last 4 months have been made up of late night feedings brought on by unhappiness, Austin Powers marathons and getting unnecessarily wrapped up in the politics of my Joe job, brushing my cats and dreaming of living in a perpetual shower, mediating once and then being afraid because of what it brought to the surface, reading incredible books yet refusing to apply what I learned, spending countless hours on on-line dating apps trying to find someone who will listen to my problems and validate my feelings of remorse for depriving myself of the things I enjoy, buying clothes to make myself seem like I have it together on the outside, eating out and blowing through my money because I want to seem successful rather than being economic and healthy, putting off things that need my attention to spend a ridiculous amount of time refreshing my news feeds to see who comments on my witty posts rather than learning what's going on in the world. I'm writing this no further ahead at accomplishing my dream than I was 4 months ago. I went down the wrong rabbit hole. 

Standing on the other side I realize that this was necessary. These 4 months have showed me that this is not who I am, this is who I was and could be if I didn't take charge of my life.

My next step is to actually work hard in silence and let my success be my noise. Implement all that I've spoken about doing for the last year. Listen to learn and respond to understand instead of listening to be rewarded with the opportunity to speak. 

Today I go pro. 

Today I will be bolder. 

W.

P.S. Big shout out to all my new fans who have made me feel extra special during this transition. Much love. 

Work it Out.

Hey,

I am sitting here watching the opening to Beyoncé's I Am...World Tour and am just speechless. One because I am going to be seeing The Mrs. Carter World Tour in less than a month and two I am continually in awe of the dedication to her work. Over the past few months, I have watched her HBO special Life is but a Dream a few times and was continually blown away by her work ethic and sheer perfectionism in her performances.

Now, some of you are probably wondering; "Whoa whats with the Beyoncé kick?"

I am gettin' to it.

She gives herself over to everything that she does, every fibre of her being is left out on that stage after she does a show. You may be saying, "Uh...Yeah, that's her job isn't it. To entertain?" And I would reply, "Yes. It is." In my opinion she is one of the best performers of our generation, lyrically her songs aren't the deepest, and are usually about having sex with Jay Z, but it is her showmanship that makes her tours and live performances what they are. She will spend hours in the studio perfecting every dance move to the point where she outdoes her own dancers, and I know she is no skipper on the vocal side either. When she locks into Sasha Fierce, she just is.

I know my enthusiasm is probably freaking some of you out, but there is a point to this fangirl-ing.

The reason I am prattling on about Beyoncé is rather anecdotal. I have been thinking a lot, as I tend to do, and have started to pin point the issues I have with my work. And as I have talked about before, this year for me is about unlocking and putting into practice the things that I suck at, which to me is this "work" I have identified.

I pride myself in my ability to connect with people, both socially and via social networking. I try to go to as many shows/events as possible in an attempt to foster professional relationships with my fellow artists. I like meeting new people who are in the same boat as I am, we can help each other, teach each other. I find it is an invaluable skill to be able to connect with people in a way that isn't aggressive or invasive but complimentary.  I am also a very curious person, so I ask a lot of questions (sometimes to a fault). This natural curiosity that I have enables me to find enjoyment in researching a new script, finding different takes on the story, bringing in evidence, comparing, discussing, learning, and ultimately building a character from the ground up, which is my passion and what I have been doing for as long as I can remember.

I am good at it, they are the things that I love about acting, why I got into this gig in the first place.

What needs an overhaul is my ability to dedicate myself to simple things like reading the script and memorizing it. I find I will distract myself with trivial actions, like continued research or checking facebook for the millionth time that I don't spend time with the words and the story. I tend to brush it off by telling myself that I will memorize in rehearsal, or after simply reading the script once "I get the story". This attitude is so crippling to any performer and something that will ruin me if I can't integrate it into my rather stiff process.

Another example: I saw a show at the Ottawa Fringe the other day that was basically a guitarist who imitated other guitarists that he liked. Very simple concept. He was a brilliant player. At one point in the show he talked about one of his idols practicing for 5-9 hours every day, and this just hit me. Obviously I have heard of people practicing for insane hours every day before, but at this particular moment it made sense to me that the performers I look up to all dedicate immense amounts of hours to rehearsing and creating. And this is the "work" I am in pursuit of.

One of my teachers this year said that I didn't understand the amount of work that is required of me to be an actor. I know this isn't entirely true because I have a lot to offer, but they were right in the sense that I tend to avoid the things that actually need my attention, I convince myself that I am working when clearly I am not. Conclusively; If acting and performing is truly something that I want and cannot live without then I must do anything and everything in my power to make it a realty.

Perfection comes from practise and the only way that this will work is if I dedicate all of my time to making myself better and stronger. Physically, verbally, and mindfully. I have always fell back on the things I am good at rather than seeking the things I am not so good at, and now I have to step up and take what has been offered to me. I have to be honest with myself and LISTEN to what I need to do. I can't keep sliding through on my talent, I have to fight to have a place in this world.

I will now leave you with one of my favourite Beyoncé songs:

 

Night Abyss.

Back in the Groove

Hey,

Alright so it has been almost a week since I have been home, to be exact 5 days. Most of those days, or rather, all of those days have been spent catching up with my friends and girlfriend who has the patience of Job to deal with me and my radical behaviour.

So now that "vacation" is over it is time to start getting back on the streets and selling myself.

Wow, didn't think that through.

I am in progress of updating all my resume's and photos to bring into my agency tomorrow in attempts to garner at least as much work as last summer. Hopefully more.

I am flat broke this time around and will probably have to cave to working at a gas station or McDonalds, both of which I think would be quite interesting to work at. But enough about my potential unemployment and more about the opportunities that are coming about!

I have probably already mentioned my involvement in a festival created my one of my fellow NTS'rs, Sebastien Heins, who graduated earlier this month. He and I as well as 4 other performers are showing our talents in a two hour evening on the 27th at 8pm at the Bus Stop Theatre in Halifax. I am stoked for this show because it will be the first time I have performed my Vocal Masque outside of school and I also get to meet a lot of cool people, which is always a bonus.

After this I, potentially, have a gig on June 4th, which is an evening of short plays and I have been tentatively cast in this as well! So some good coverage coming up, but no monies.

So here is hoping that I can get some film work ASAP. For my cats sake.

Also, my girlfriend and I went to see "Fishing' by Jeremy Webb and Stacy Smith. It was awesome if you have the chance to see it, do it.

Just a short one tonight, but I will keep you posted. Check out my twitter and IMDB!

Night Abyss.

http://www.thebusstoptheatre.org/calendar.html

http://www.offtheleash.ca/fishing/

ACTRA > Equity..

Abyss,

Well don't we have a situation. Due to my recent persistance about whether I have garnered any union status I have discovered something rather positive...

First off, when I took this contract that I am currently on I assumed that i would be getting at least one credit towards Equity. I found out today that this would have been the case had it been expressed when the contract was signed.. needless to say it was not due to my naivety. I will have to be more aware next time, but do not despair for since I was cast in Blackbird I have been given my ACTRA status! With this I feel like I am no longer just some kid doing acting for fun.

I am now of legitimate status and can be considered for bigger things :) While still maintaining my availablity to partake in community theatre.

So needless to say I am stoked beyond reason.

Tomorrow is the end of our 5th week on tour and then we move into the last phase of the tour. 2 more weeks then sadly we are done. Time has moved so quickly, I cannot get over how fast it has gone. I am grateful for every minute.


I am still waiting to hear from NTS and am looking forward to start filming. I am going to attempt to get a little bit more in shape before the shoot, just to improve my physical presence on screen (haha).

That is kind of it for now, haven't heard from any new auditions.. but at this point I don't need anything till after the film is done.

I will update accordingly.

Night Abyss

Rainy Day

Hey Abyss,

So as stated in the title; it is a rainy day. Genius title, I know.

I am writing this before I leave to go to yet another jail with the tour. On Monday we went to two jails to show the play and it was surprisingly well received we really affected the inmates and they were genuinely interested in their own way. We had some of these men crying by the end of the show, people who were murderers and sexual offenders were crying at the impact the show had on them.

It is these moments when I know I am doing the right thing. These people walked away affected, changed even the slightest, and that is all I can ever hope to do as an actor. I want my audiences to walk away thinking about new ideas, new outcomes. The opportunity to forge new thoughts in people is just amazing. Luckily  the show is made up of extremely talented people and are able to make this happen. I am so grateful to be a part of such a wonderful project in association with awesome people.

There is only 5 weeks left of the tour and I am both sad and thrilled how fast it is going. I am sad because I love being able to do my art and have people see it and walk away with something they came in without, but I am thrilled because of how we are changing people and provoking new thoughts. It is like when you feel so confident about something that you want as many people to see it and hear what they have to say about it. That is what is happening with this show. I am proud.

I recently auditioned for the movie Blackbird, which I am sure I have talked about before, this was my 5th audition for the director and I am at a loss over how the audition went. I feel like I could have done better, but so does every artist. The director said all good things to me and has seen me 5 times so I feel like there is something that he potentially wants me for. Then again, I cant really say that because some directors are just nice people and want to encourage you as a performer. Then there is the fact that the director is young and this will be his first feature film and he is doubting his casting abilities. However it turns out I hope to at least obtain some kind of role.

Also, there is a television series that is shooting right now in the city where I live and I am hoping to get at least an audition for that once the tour is over.

I forget if I already mentioned this but I am still waiting to hear back from NTS as to whether I have a callback for the school, but I did get placed 4th on the waiting list at Sheridan, which is apparently good. I am still debating on what I want to do, I know that if I somehow miraculously get into NTS then I am definitely going. Sheridan is just a lot of money and the living costs in Toronto are ridiculous, and I wouldn't be able to work on the weekend to make extra money due to the homework load. SoI would be student loans all the way, which is an idea that I am not fond of.

Suggestions?

I have an audition on wednesday for a new show that is being workshopped, and I am submitting for a new musical that is being produced in October. I will tell you how these things go.

Night Abyss

Back to Routine; Excitement vs. Frightment

Hello,

I think it has been just shy of a week since last post, so it is due time for one!

First of all; School is back in session tomorrow which proves both exciting and frightening at the same time. I am excited to get back into the educational and routine aspects, but have procrastinated amazingly over the break and am quite worried that I will be behind.

This is probably the case, who am I kidding.

I have spent most of the day reading and memorizing monologues and plays, which people say doesn't take as long as reading a book but I find it just as time consuming. For those of you who may know me I have a very short attention span and although I like to read, especially plays, I find it hard to stay focused.

Also, my cats have been extremely hyperactive recently and it is stressing me out. They are seriously like monkeys jumping everywhere and ignoring me. Worse than kids sometimes.

I applied to NTS, George Brown and Sheridan today though, so I feel extremely excited and frightened about that as well. I was talking to one of my close friends tonight who is currently at Ryerson, which i will be applying to later on when I have the money, and he is validating the intimidating process of audition for the schools. I guess there is just some days where I feel like I am no better than the average kid trying to make it as an actor. Like, my friend was saying that if there is like 1500 kids that audition there is a third of them that just plain suck, then there are some that are good, and then the last third are the ones that are your competition. I just feel like even the bad kids are the competition, like who is saying that I am in the last third? I guess that is my mission to make sure I am in the best portion. I am just intimidated because I have such short amounts of time to prepare everything. But alas, the job of an actor.

I just want to get accepted at least somewhere, you know, for my dignity. That I am not a complete waste of life. I always feel like I don't have enough time for things, like if I don't go for things now I wont have a chance later. I really just want to feel like I am doing the most in my life. I have this phobia of becoming a deadbeat, among other things.

Last weekend I took part in a show called Teenage Sex Party written by Thom Fitzgerald. I performed it at an event called 24 hour theatre, something I stumbled upon that has been happening for 5 years! It was such an awesome experience due to the time restraint of 24 hours. You as actors get the script for the latter of the 24 hours and have 12 to make it a show with costumes lighting and sound. Ours turned out great. Surprisingly we had a great turnout for audience with some rather important people in it.


I will continue filming the short film in the next coming weeks and am looking forward to that.

I hate winter.

I lost my mittens.

and I refuse to wear long johns.

I should live in Florida.

I have school tomorrow so I am going to get ready for bed now. I will do my best to keep with the updates.

Night, Abyss.

I Now Understand Hiatus

Abyss,

I know this seems to be a reoccurring situation, but I do apologize for the lack of posts. It has been over a month since my last entry and quite a bit has happened. I really want to make one of my New Year Resolutions to post at least weekly, similar to what I stated earlier in these posts. Except I will actually follow through.

I discovered that I can totally post from my iPhone, yet another convenience. So with this new found information I can guarantee at least a post a week. My life may not be that exciting but hopefully you find enjoyment out of my obscene ramblings. Anyway, let's get down to business!

School for winter break ended last Thursday and I miss it already, the term went by quicker than expected and I learned so much. Tue teachers are all stellar human beings and I wish I could just read biographies on all of them. They seem to have been through so many experiences in their lives. Alas, I do not have this option to read about them, instead I have a giant list of plays that needs to be read before January 3rd.

I have made a point to get all my application things done before I head back to school. So that is presently what I am working on. Majority of the schools I am applying to are in Toronto and it is costing me a pretty penny to just apply, this doesn't include the airfare and possible audition fees as well. It is going to probably end up costing me as much as my first term tuition! but I need education, so it will hopefully be worth it if I actually get accepted.

I was recently involved with a couple of things; over the weekend I was in a short film that will continue filming in January as well as a work shop that is in preparation for a provincial tour, I have yet to find out if I will be cast in the tour solely due to the fact that they are casting the female lead(opposite me) from Toronto. So the whole workshop cast is just waiting to hear from the director as to whether will will be going on tour. I would obviously jump at the opportunity to tour and it would give me a credit towards my equity status, which of course is also gladly accepted. I am still working my butt of to get my Equity/ACTRA status before I head off to Toronto.

Also in the works is a show I putting together, Monster by Daniel MacIvor. I have recently obtained his one man show and emailed him about receiving the rights to it so that I can perform it this summer in my hometown and save the money for school so I can avoid student loans as much as possible. I have to unfortunately wait for a response from him until I can really put my plan into action, but I am hoping he will respond soon enough.

That is essentially it in my life at the moment. I am just about to leave for work and will talk to you tomorrow!

Night Abyss

Sometimes I feel like a Priest . . .

Man Oh Man,


11 days since my last post! Sorry Abyss, I have been super busy, as per always. I am going to do my best to at least (the stress on least) have an entry a week. That's my goal. So here we go...

I love my day job, I say that in the most sincere way possible. I really do love it. The people whom I have to service however I do not enjoy. The last few days for me have been more painstaking than usual. I have had the most difficult customers I think I have ever dealt with. It is awful how people think they have the right to treat you like crap because you are a young person and are working. Personally, those are rather illegitimate excuses to have it out for someone, especially someone who's generation are the people who are going to be changing your diapers and writing your prescriptions.

Just food for thought.

I understand that it is a two way street, for all those devil's advocates out there reading this. Let me assure you I could have been more nice, but when you offend me I get defensive. So again, reiterating the two way street; I will be nice to you if you are nice to me. I always do my best to be a positive person when it comes to customer service because you are the face of the company you represent, so I strive to be pleasant to deal with.

In all  honesty though, sometimes I actually feel like a priest.

Which was not part of my job listing.

Today, a man came in with his father (no pun intended) and felt the need to disclose how much money the man was making and how many Master Degrees he had and ranted on and on about his life in general and how phones are designed badly because the end call button is also the power off button. After explaining that I myself could not call up Samsung and tell them that their, and the rest of the companies, cellphone designs are ridiculous for people with 5 Masters Degrees to understand I was actually considering telling him to also do a few "Hail Mary" --s before he left. I am all for listening to some people ramble sometimes, but my store is the busiest in our region and there were other people waiting. It is hard to keep the pleasantries up at that rate.

I mean of course this is customer service and I know there will be the random crazies, but alas I get frustrated easily when things aren't compliant to the over all situation, probably due to my organization needs. I am hoping for a more productive day tomorrow.

Audition update: Nothing yet. I have been enlisted to participate in a show for one night only in attempts  to raise money for a young girl who is dying of cancer. A cause I am very eager to aid in. That is on October 4.


Also, school starts Monday. I am stoked!

Bought some sweatpants from GAP and I will be looking fresh the first day.

As much of a paradox as that may seem due to the purchase of sweatpants.

Anyway, G'night AByss.

New England Clam Chower... Is that the red or the white?

Alright Abyss,


Today at work was rather uneventful, just a normal day with normal problems. I suspected my car battery to die but alas I was rewarded with a smooth drive home. I called the scholarship people and I am still in limbo regarding my recipient status. They said they should hopefully know, the operative word being hopefully, by tomorrow.

Knowing myself, I am going to do all of this work for this scholarship and it is going to go to some Joe who didn't do a stinking thing for it. That's always how us average people's lives work out. Regardless, I am still just plain old waiting; like and actor should.

I have rehearsal in an hour and hopefully it will be a good time tonight. We had a run through on Tuesday and it went okay I think. It is always hard to tell with rehearsal how it will fair in the final run.I am having one of those days where I don't want to be seen by the public, this is due to my lack of hair gel and contacts, and I am going to have to make out with two girls tonight. Now under normal circumstance, as a man, this would be perfectly fine, and I am totally game for it. I just feel bad for the girls.

Wayne without contacts or hair gel = picture a shrill scream from an old horror movie.

Again, no word from anything that I auditioned for recently, I guess that is also pending.

So, a pretty basic day. Oh, and I am getting a kitten.