Honestly, I've been
trying to write this post for the last 4 months but I haven't been able to find
the words. Despite a lot of things changing around me, I've yet to actually
shift. My last few posts have been comprised of all the things I needed to do,
was going to do, but had yet to actually incorporate into my daily life. I've
been talking a really good talk. Sure, there was the occasional day where I did
what all those self-help books have been telling me for almost a year, but
overall I was failing at actually living the life I could be. Instead, to make
myself feel better, I'd give wonderful and positive advice to others by
regurgitating quotations and making myself sound impressive or
"enlightened" but realistically I was failing to live by example, which
is a major problem.
The reason that I've
refused to change, to take my own advice and really live for me, is out of
fear. Fear that I could actually make positive changes, fear that I could
actually help and inspire people and what that responsibility entails. Fear of
failing myself -- again. It's easier for me to just stand on the sidelines and
judge than jump in and get my hands dirty. It's terrible, but it's the rut I
have been in for sometime now.
There is an incredible
amount of pressure placed on young people, perhaps some of it self made, to
succeed right out of the gate; "I have my education, now where's all the
work?" For some it happens right away, they don't have to worry about much
because their families have their backs financially or they end up landing
their dream job immediately, setting them up financially for the long haul.
For the rest of us it's a constant uphill battle, pushing a boulder, with
a tiny elf, named Student Loans, sitting on our back calling us weaklings
everyday and reminding us to keep pushing or we will roll back down the hill
and have to start all over again. I've had a few glorious breaks heading up the
mountain this year, but that's all they were -- breaks -- a stop for air, a
swig of water, a stretch, before I felt the crack of the elf's whip and needed
to get back to pushing. I've put an incredible amount of pressure on myself by
feeling that if I didn't make it to the top of the mountain this year I
would be considered a failure. There's that word again, failure. The
reality is, it takes years and years and years to get to the top, and for some,
they never make it.
So then why do they do
it? Is someone at the top of the mountain with a trip to Cuba or some other
equally awesome incentive? What's the point of all this pushing if there isn't
anything there?
Last year I got a
significant break from pushing my boulder, 4 months to be exact, that break was Olympus.
For those of you who may not know, I'm currently starring as a lead character
on an international television show playing in Ireland, London, Germany, the
United States and Canada. But despite the reach of the show and my role within
it (one that I'm very proud of), my life has remained unchanged. When I booked
the role, only one person, a mentor of mine, was honest with me. She said,
"This project is simply a wave and it does not guarantee anything."
Although I heard what she'd said, and tried to view it as simply that, I too
often entertained the idea of this project being a game changer for me, and it
quickly went to my head.
After Olympus premiered
I vainly and naively expected a massive amount of attention. I had built
up the show up in my mind (and on my social media feeds) to God like
proportions, pun intended. I have a great character, with an incredible arc and
some pretty decent scenes, which all ended up falling on mostly deaf ears, due
to some unsightly promotional issues and lack of budget. My ego was shattered.
Without the world’s validation that my performance was award winning, or at the
very least -- good, I became depressed. I lost sight of myself because I had
spent, seriously, every spare moment of my time preparing and editing my
"image" for the spotlight. I majorly anticipated and was
disappointed. I, for those 6 months leading up to the premiere, needed the world’s
approval and, big surprise; it has yet to come and might never.
Each time I auditioned
after the premiere of Olympus the casting director, or
artistic directors, would ask me what I was working on to which I would reply,
"I'm currently a series lead on a new SyFy show called Olympus."
And they would look at me like I spoke another language, "Oh cool, never
heard of it." It was during these interactions I realized that my biggest
job to date was essentially moot. They didn't care. They hadn't seen it or had any
intention of watching it. The saying, "you are only as good as your last
job" didn't work in literally any situation for me.
Instead, "you're only as good as the work you're currently doing" was
more truthful.
Being a series lead on one of
the many TV shows this year does not guarantee a career for
me, it does not guarantee a career for anyone, it was simply an incredible
experience for a young actor to be on set for 4 months, right out of theatre
school, working with talented people and being surrounded by the British
Columbian landscape --which is gorgeous. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Until I saw the episodes in their entirety all I had was the memories of
conversations, dances, jokes, laughter, loves, lessons, challenges and food. Oh
God, the food. These are what made my time incredible and life changing, not
the product and what people think of it, because watching the show you don't
see any of the memories that were created. It made me realize that no matter
how hard one might work, no matter how incredible the artists and visionaries
around you are, sometimes things just don't commercially work out. No matter
how much heart goes into it. And that's perfectly okay.
Which brings me back to
the boulder metaphor. If there can be so much love, care and artistry piled
into a project that when it finally comes to fruition and seemingly no one cares, why do we
do it?
For the experiences. For
the memories. For the people. For the conversations it might evoke.
There is no getting
ahead, no corporate ladder to climb, no benchmarks that guarantee a career in
this life -- the life of an artist -- so the only real thing
to pursue is the aforementioned. Those are what create a full life. Those are
what make a better more inspiring and relatable artist. Having an impressive
resume doesn't get you into heaven; it doesn't make you a better parent, or
cook, or lover or friend. It's a just a piece of paper with words on it telling
people about your past.
It's like an
obituary.
Right now I have the
power to define myself, to validate myself, to take pleasure in being with my
boulder. To stop pushing and simply roll. I've never dreamed of fame, despite being
disillusioned by it, I've only dreamt of notoriety; having a solid reputation
to build upon, consistent work. That's my personal definition of success. The
only way that I can achieve my dream is to stop walking around with my hand out
and start creating with what I have.
These last 4 months have
been made up of late night feedings brought on by unhappiness, Austin Powers
marathons and getting unnecessarily wrapped up in the politics of my Joe job,
brushing my cats and dreaming of living in a perpetual shower, mediating once
and then being afraid because of what it brought to the surface, reading
incredible books yet refusing to apply what I learned, spending countless hours
on on-line dating apps trying to find someone who will listen to my problems
and validate my feelings of remorse for depriving myself of the things I enjoy,
buying clothes to make myself seem like I have it together on the outside,
eating out and blowing through my money because I want to seem successful
rather than being economic and healthy, putting off things that need my
attention to spend a ridiculous amount of time refreshing my news feeds to see
who comments on my witty posts rather than learning what's going on in the
world. I'm writing this no further ahead at accomplishing my dream than I was 4
months ago. I went down the wrong rabbit hole.
Standing on the other
side I realize that this was necessary. These 4 months have showed me that this
is not who I am, this is who I was and could be if I didn't take charge of my life.
My next step is to actually work
hard in silence and let my success be my noise. Implement all that I've spoken
about doing for the last year. Listen to learn and respond to understand
instead of listening to be rewarded with the opportunity to speak.
Today I go pro.
Today I will be
bolder.
W.
P.S. Big shout out to all my new fans who have made me feel extra special during this transition. Much love.
P.S. Big shout out to all my new fans who have made me feel extra special during this transition. Much love.
