Bo(u)lder.

Honestly, I've been trying to write this post for the last 4 months but I haven't been able to find the words. Despite a lot of things changing around me, I've yet to actually shift. My last few posts have been comprised of all the things I needed to do, was going to do, but had yet to actually incorporate into my daily life. I've been talking a really good talk. Sure, there was the occasional day where I did what all those self-help books have been telling me for almost a year, but overall I was failing at actually living the life I could be. Instead, to make myself feel better, I'd give wonderful and positive advice to others by regurgitating quotations and making myself sound impressive or "enlightened" but realistically I was failing to live by example, which is a major problem. 

The reason that I've refused to change, to take my own advice and really live for me, is out of fear. Fear that I could actually make positive changes, fear that I could actually help and inspire people and what that responsibility entails. Fear of failing myself -- again. It's easier for me to just stand on the sidelines and judge than jump in and get my hands dirty. It's terrible, but it's the rut I have been in for sometime now. 

There is an incredible amount of pressure placed on young people, perhaps some of it self made, to succeed right out of the gate; "I have my education, now where's all the work?" For some it happens right away, they don't have to worry about much because their families have their backs financially or they end up landing their dream job immediately, setting them up financially for the long haul.  For the rest of us it's a constant uphill battle, pushing a boulder, with a tiny elf, named Student Loans, sitting on our back calling us weaklings everyday and reminding us to keep pushing or we will roll back down the hill and have to start all over again. I've had a few glorious breaks heading up the mountain this year, but that's all they were -- breaks -- a stop for air, a swig of water, a stretch, before I felt the crack of the elf's whip and needed to get back to pushing. I've put an incredible amount of pressure on myself by feeling that if I didn't make it to the top of the mountain this year I would be considered a failure. There's that word again, failure. The reality is, it takes years and years and years to get to the top, and for some, they never make it. 

So then why do they do it? Is someone at the top of the mountain with a trip to Cuba or some other equally awesome incentive? What's the point of all this pushing if there isn't anything there? 

Last year I got a significant break from pushing my boulder, 4 months to be exact, that break was Olympus. For those of you who may not know, I'm currently starring as a lead character on an international television show playing in Ireland, London, Germany, the United States and Canada. But despite the reach of the show and my role within it (one that I'm very proud of), my life has remained unchanged. When I booked the role, only one person, a mentor of mine, was honest with me. She said, "This project is simply a wave and it does not guarantee anything." Although I heard what she'd said, and tried to view it as simply that, I too often entertained the idea of this project being a game changer for me, and it quickly went to my head. 

After Olympus premiered I vainly and naively expected a massive amount of attention.  I had built up the show up in my mind (and on my social media feeds) to God like proportions, pun intended. I have a great character, with an incredible arc and some pretty decent scenes, which all ended up falling on mostly deaf ears, due to some unsightly promotional issues and lack of budget. My ego was shattered. Without the world’s validation that my performance was award winning, or at the very least -- good, I became depressed. I lost sight of myself because I had spent, seriously, every spare moment of my time preparing and editing my "image" for the spotlight.  I majorly anticipated and was disappointed. I, for those 6 months leading up to the premiere, needed the world’s approval and, big surprise; it has yet to come and might never. 

Each time I auditioned after the premiere of Olympus the casting director, or artistic directors, would ask me what I was working on to which I would reply, "I'm currently a series lead on a new SyFy show called Olympus." And they would look at me like I spoke another language, "Oh cool, never heard of it." It was during these interactions I realized that my biggest job to date was essentially moot. They didn't care. They hadn't seen it or had any intention of watching it. The saying, "you are only as good as your last job" didn't work in literally any situation for me. Instead, "you're only as good as the work you're currently doing" was more truthful.

Being a series lead on one of the many TV shows this year does not guarantee a career for me, it does not guarantee a career for anyone, it was simply an incredible experience for a young actor to be on set for 4 months, right out of theatre school, working with talented people and being surrounded by the British Columbian landscape --which is gorgeous. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Until I saw the episodes in their entirety all I had was the memories of conversations, dances, jokes, laughter, loves, lessons, challenges and food. Oh God, the food. These are what made my time incredible and life changing, not the product and what people think of it, because watching the show you don't see any of the memories that were created. It made me realize that no matter how hard one might work, no matter how incredible the artists and visionaries around you are, sometimes things just don't commercially work out. No matter how much heart goes into it. And that's perfectly okay. 

Which brings me back to the boulder metaphor. If there can be so much love, care and artistry piled into a project that when it finally comes to fruition and seemingly no one cares, why do we do it? 

For the experiences. For the memories. For the people. For the conversations it might evoke. 

There is no getting ahead, no corporate ladder to climb, no benchmarks that guarantee a career in this life -- the life of an artist -- so the only real thing to pursue is the aforementioned. Those are what create a full life. Those are what make a better more inspiring and relatable artist. Having an impressive resume doesn't get you into heaven; it doesn't make you a better parent, or cook, or lover or friend. It's a just a piece of paper with words on it telling people about your past. 

It's like an obituary. 

Right now I have the power to define myself, to validate myself, to take pleasure in being with my boulder. To stop pushing and simply roll. I've never dreamed of fame, despite being disillusioned by it, I've only dreamt of notoriety; having a solid reputation to build upon, consistent work. That's my personal definition of success. The only way that I can achieve my dream is to stop walking around with my hand out and start creating with what I have. 

These last 4 months have been made up of late night feedings brought on by unhappiness, Austin Powers marathons and getting unnecessarily wrapped up in the politics of my Joe job, brushing my cats and dreaming of living in a perpetual shower, mediating once and then being afraid because of what it brought to the surface, reading incredible books yet refusing to apply what I learned, spending countless hours on on-line dating apps trying to find someone who will listen to my problems and validate my feelings of remorse for depriving myself of the things I enjoy, buying clothes to make myself seem like I have it together on the outside, eating out and blowing through my money because I want to seem successful rather than being economic and healthy, putting off things that need my attention to spend a ridiculous amount of time refreshing my news feeds to see who comments on my witty posts rather than learning what's going on in the world. I'm writing this no further ahead at accomplishing my dream than I was 4 months ago. I went down the wrong rabbit hole. 

Standing on the other side I realize that this was necessary. These 4 months have showed me that this is not who I am, this is who I was and could be if I didn't take charge of my life.

My next step is to actually work hard in silence and let my success be my noise. Implement all that I've spoken about doing for the last year. Listen to learn and respond to understand instead of listening to be rewarded with the opportunity to speak. 

Today I go pro. 

Today I will be bolder. 

W.

P.S. Big shout out to all my new fans who have made me feel extra special during this transition. Much love. 

In the Air Tonight.

A few weeks ago, a (new) friend of mine offered to take me hiking up the Stawamus Chief Mountain in Squamish, outside of Vancouver. Before this hike, the two of us had only met briefly on set through a mutual friend. Due to the lack of people my age in the cast I thought it would behoove me to not take advantage of meeting a new person, who might share some similar interests. Turns out we like a lot of the same things and are able to keep a decent conversation flowing; gotta love when I find those people. We met up downtown and drove out to the mountain, the terrain getting up to the peaks was far from easy but the view made up for it. When we finally reached "Second Peak" I was speechless: It was easily the most spiritual experience I have had in a long time.

I looked around from this massive piece of land jetting into the sky with a cloud passing by my face and the sheer beauty was like nothing I had ever seen before. Of course, I have seen this kind of scenery in films, but to experience it first hand was nothing short of magical. Sitting atop that peak, with more-or-less a stranger, humbled me. It made me respect the Earth and despise how materialistic I've become, how self-centered I am by believing that my problems are so massive. When I looked down onto the town of Squamish, with it's industrial harbor pushing out into the ocean, I felt pity. Here we are taking this beauty for granted, chipping into it to make room for more stuff, bigger condos and flashier lifestyles. It made me sad to think about how we, as a race, are depleting this natural beauty that is the Earth, for fictional fabricated happiness. 

The whole time, probably to his displeasure, I kept saying to Jeff, "This was how people lived! Natives would have travelled up to these peaks; they would have gathered their food from these bushes and trees. This was there internet, their TV!" It brought me back to the childhood feeling of anything was possible in this environment, stories and histories started to fill my imagination. I felt in touch with my soul again, it was cleansing. To add to this experience, Jeff and I were bombarded by 7, rather tame, chipmunks who proceeded to loot us for our trail mix.

They were the most aggressive chipmunks I had ever experienced. They had no fear; they knew what they wanted and went after it. These little rodents ended up crawling all over us, one even started scratching at my closed fist, thinking I was hiding nuts from him: I felt like a Disney character. 

The hike reinvigorated me, made me realize that my issues aren't really all that big and allowed me to approach my work with (a little) less control. I've spent so much time trying to figure out what to do, how to be good, how to look as calm and free as everyone else, and everything else under the sun, when it all comes down to simply letting go and living honestly.

I had a breakthrough with Martin Wood, who was directing me at the time, he said, "Don't fear it. Simply accept it." Something that has been told to me numerous times but hearing it that day finally broke my walls down and allowed me to do some of the best work of my career. It was hard, but the hardest part was letting go, relinquishing all the vanity, safety and judgment that keeps ones barriers up. When I finally released I just let Lykos take over and I truly became a vessel. 

Having that happen to me allowed me to go onto set this Friday confident and able to do solid work. It was completely freeing to just have fun and let it be what it was. I left feeling awesome, as I did the week before. There is a part of me that wants to break down this "freedom" into liquid form so I can bottle it up and inject before every scene, but that's impossible and I know that with time, and more moments like the aforementioned, it will become second nature. The key really is confidence in my abilities and myself. 

Today, I spent most of my day reading and writing on the beach. 

I'm learning to let go of all that is superfluous and unnecessary, things that don't actually contribute to my ultimate happiness. I'm excited to return to Toronto and purge my apartment of things that I no longer need. As a race, we need so little to survive: Love. I'm blessed to have a massive amount of it. Being part of this show has taught me to truly appreciate and embrace the amount that I have, so much of the world is without it. 

Money, homes, cars, clothes, they are all symbols that we give value to; they do not make or break a person. Good people are good people, regardless of whether they wear Tom Ford or hunt in the bins at Value Village. I feel this quote from Fight Club is appropriate:

"You are not how much you have in the bank. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your f**king khakis."

I am wealthy, successful and happy because I choose to be, because of my attitude and the way I treat my fellow human beings. At the end of the day, it won't matter how much I own, but how many lives I touched through my art and my relationships. That’s what makes me rich. 

I don't know whether it's the air out here, or what, but I feel so pure and euphoric. I have less than a month left and as much as I'm sad to see this wonderful, and life changing journey come to an end I am even more excited about seeing what the tide leaves for me to discover once is goes out. From now on if I can eat well, drink often, play always, laugh a lot, dream vividly, create inspiring work, see the beauty of the world, listen to the best music, see great films, foster wonderful relationships, make brave choices and live with an open heart I will be the happiest man. 

Now to train those chipmunks to do my bidding....

W.