Keep on Keeping' On

There's a part of me that's been debating about posting for the last month. But I have found something worth addressing.

After my last entry, I felt conflicted as to whether it was necessary for me to keep writing about every audition I went on. Not only would it be tedious, predictable and rather redundant, but at this point I've found my groove and am essentially going through the same process each time:
1. Get sides from agent (Hooray!)
2. Memorize/work on sides (adorn Clark Kent glasses)
3. Print off resume/head shots (NEVER FORGET THESE!)
4. Sleep (only once lines are down)
5. Run lines successfully in shower (steam helps me remember)
6. Commute to audition (they are never in convenient locations)
7. Arrive and assess competition (give the occasional stink eye when they're not looking)
8. Have a mini panic attack (everyone is so attractive!!!)
9. Find a space to warm up (usually a closet or alcove)
10. Warm up, get my breath under me (calm the heck down)
11. Audition as rehearsed (ideally)
12. Walk out with a sense of completion (or having learned something)
13. Move onto the next one (like a BAUS)

Honestly, that's it. If something crazy happens, I can assure you I will write about it.

Post done.

But for real, I've rediscovered my confidence and am riding it like a wave with my foot strapped to the board of humility.

Now, the reason I'm continuing to write is because I want focus on a part of an actors life that deserves more attention than I think it's given.

Since my last entry, I've been feeling rather drab because my personal life as been...uneventful, I find myself trying to connect with people online, or what have you, as a way to exert energy without really committing to anything. I make going to the gym my BIG event for the day then come home, take my pants off and play Batman/Pokemon till the wee hours of the morning. I've been spending way too much money on eating out because it's easier than cooking, which ironically I love doing, and although I have had some great conversations with people over the last few weeks they all end up turning into the same thing, "Yes, I was in British Columbia for 4 months...I don't know if there is gonna be a season 2...I'm just bopping around doing auditions...No, this is my first Christmas not going home...etc" I'm honored that people want to talk to me, but the reason I'm bored of those conversations is because I actually have nothing else to talk about, because I have been doing nothing else.

Some of those delightful friends have been levelling with me and telling me that, "its okay to be lazy and enjoy your free time...its okay to have dominos three times in one week...I would love to play Batman with you... drink more whiskey..." and this is all true, to a point. I'm rolling into my 5th week since finishing Olympus and it's high time I started to get my life back together. To be honest, I function so much better in chaos than idleness. I thrive in calamity. So, I must create this for myself, or at least schedule it. I have to start creating positive rituals and scheduling even the mundane, like getting a head start on my taxes (yes, that time is nearing), if I want to be successful.

I was speaking to my mother, the incredible woman that she is*, and she broke something down for me which I had yet to realize. She said, "Wayne, your life is the opposite of everyone else's, we all schedule our lives around work, our freedom comes with an annual vacation, if we're so lucky. You have to learn how to schedule your life, because your work is your vacation."

Bam.

Momma just laid it out.

Enjoy free time, be in post show slump, play video games without pants, drink pumpkin spice whiskey, but eventually one is gonna have to get one's personal life in order, because it's that preparation of the mundane that creates an opportunity for incredible work.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in the moment of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in the times of challenge." - Martin Luther King Jr.

The only way I will truly rise above is by having my artistic and personal life on point, running alongside each other, in harmony.

As the New Riders of the Purple Age said, I gotta "keep on keepin' on."

W.

P.S. I recently wrapped an episode on Remedy, Season 2 which will be premiering on Global in the New Year.

Please check out my fan page and/or website for more info on how to watch for me.

*Mother endorsement

Divine Intervention - Part One.

I cannot contain my excitement anymore: a month ago, in a matter of hours, my life was turned upside down.

It was a Friday evening and I had received an email from my agent for a new network television show that was filming in Vancouver. She said they needed a self-tape by Monday afternoon, at the latest. I was working a dishwashing shift at the time and I started to recruits someone who may be able to help me get a decent self tape done before the aforementioned deadline.

My good friend, Daniel, came to my rescue by saying he could help me film it Sunday night, after my shift, as he had a friend that was also submitting for the role. When I got home and finally started to read over the scene something electric happened: I knew it was mine. Perhaps it was all the self-help books and audio tapes I had been listening to, or divine intervention, but I had never felt so confident about, one: a project and two: me booking a role.

The next two days, I thought of nothing else, those sides became woven into every fibre of my being. I spoke the lines to myself every waking moment; perfecting how I was going to perform them Sunday night. I confessed to my co-workers how bad I would feel for up and leaving the restaurant to go do this role, in the event that I booked it. I did the whole Robert De Niro mirror routine umpteen times. I treated my cats like the characters opposite me in the scene, their udder disinterest only feeding the energy of the scene.

All this prep was for a self-tape...

*For those of you who may not know what a self-tape is: basically they are a way for actors to submit for roles that they would normally not be able to submit for because they live/are working outside of the casting location. You may be thinking, "Oh that sounds great! And also SUPER convenient.” This is a great way of looking at it, as it is both of those things. The downside to submitting to a project via self-tape is that anyone who had access to the breakdown also submitted to said project; making the competition grow indefinitely, and usually moving ones submission to the bottom of an ever growing pile of tapes.

I showed up at Daniel's around 12:30 am on Monday morning after my shift ended. To my surprise he had a stellar and very professional set up for me, I am used to filming my tapes on my iPhone. Buddy had lights, I background and a high-quality camera. (You are a king, Daniel.) We talked for a bit about what I wanted it to look like and got to work.

My heart had never been in something so much before, I was so concerned about it being the best I could make it. Here I was in a comfortable situation with someone who I trusted and who supported me, if I couldn't bring the good then, there was no way I could ever bring it. The last two days had been building to this moment and now I was in it, after doing about 3 usable takes from each side I chose which ones to use. I have this feeling that if I do too many takes I start to over analyze my performance. The best takes, for me, are usually the first or second, as those are the most instinctual. Daniel edited them there for me, provided me with some much needed advice and encouragement, and we sent them off.

It was done.

I walked home in the middle of a rainstorm with no umbrella, despite Daniel insisting me to take his. It felt good to have the stress washed away from me, so to speak. I talked to myself the whole way back and settled that the only way for me to be truly successful was to relinquish control and concern over what happened with that tape from there on out. It was out of my hands, and into the casting directors. It was up to the universe.

On Tuesday, amid cleaning my apartment, I got a call from my agents’ secretary saying that I had been shortlisted for the role. My whole body started shaking, I was one of potentially 2-20 people from across the country that were being considered. She told me to just keep my phone close as they would keep me posted about progress. I was dying. I thought to myself that even if I didn't get further than this I was still happy. Someone had watched my tape and thought I was good enough to be shortlisted. It was an incredible feeling.

Continued in Part Two...

Lessons Learned.

I am currently waiting for my phone to charge so that I may head to the gym, and whilst I wait I may as well reflect.

I just got home from my 4th lesson with Susan Cuthbert and things are going extremely well. She is able to provide me valuable and practical insights towards monitoring my voice, as well as sharing beautiful stories from her past and present work. We share so many insecurities and fears that it is a truly therapeutic experience being with her. 

I know that perhaps I can get repetitive with my epiphanies, but the more I burrow into my life as a working actor and trying to find my niche in this big world, the more discoveries I make about myself and how I can move forward with a positive and healthy mindset.

Between working 3 jobs, doing audition prep, singing lessons and hosting for a show at the Tarragon I was exhausted come Sunday. This week taught me that I do actually need time for myself, sure I can "manage" to get all those things done, but am dead when it comes down to where my energy is needed most: Auditioning. There was a moment this week where I was not as prepared as I should have been for an audition, and it showed. Not necessarily to the casting directors but to myself. This was the breaking point for me. Sure, I need money to pay my bills, but I never want to be so busy that I cannot dedicate the time that my health and passion require. These 2 things need my constant attention, no matter what.

The aforementioned audition taught me something big: I received the sides the night before and there was quite a bit of text. As a challenge for myself I wanted to see if I could have it confidently memorized for the next day, despite the time crunch. I woke for my 10:15 audition I ran the lines in the shower (my ritual) and I made it through confidently; I travelled out to the casting location and met a friend of mine who also happened to be going out for the same role. He was calm and collected (or at least he appeared to be) and I was about as nervous as a suspect about to be interrogated by Matthew McConaughey on True Detective .

I wasn't focused on getting the role, but more on proving to myself that I could memorize a lot of text on short notice.

I went in and attempted to get my breath under me and stack up my American Bravado. I started the take really well and had almost made it the entire way through before I stumbled and froze. My brain blanked and that little green man jumped in and started yelling, "See, I knew you didn't know it!" In my panic and frustration I called "line"...which you DON'T do in a film audition and upon remembering this my brain started firing off surrender flags and my bravado smashed like a glass window having a stone thrown threw it. 

To my surprise, the casting director said I had a great voice and requested that I go again, without saying "line". At this point I was so embarrassed by the previous event that I couldn't even get the first few lines out without apologizing. I went for a third time and stated that I was going to use my sides to give them a clean take.

The reason I had not used my sides until then was because I am stubborn and wanted to prove to myself that I could do it without using them. The issue was that this was not the place or time to be challenging myself in this way. The casting directors don't have time to watch me take copious amounts of time to work through a personal barrier.

I finished the 3rd take and the casting director repeated his compliment of my voice and said I had done a good job. He then asked for my resume and said that I must have a theatre background based on me saying "line". As I handed him my resume and turned to go, holding my dignity in pieces, he called after me saying, "You need to get those nerves under wraps, kid!"

I couldn't agree more.

I walked out of the office and walked down the street so deeply disappointed in myself, for not only letting myself get in my own way, but for not being as prepared as I thought. It made me want to find a way to simulate high-pressure situations so that I could get comfortable in them before the next audition. After thinking about this for a moment I realized that there is no way I could do that, the only way I can get better at auditioning is simply auditioning.

I have to learn how to embrace the tension that comes with this aspect of my career and use it to my advantage. I have to strive to be so prepared that nothing can throw me off my game. I have to come to terms with the fact that I am a nervous actor, acknowledge it and keep moving forward.

That night I spoke to my pseudo parents, Nina and Richard, about the aforementioned audition and how to get my nerves "under wraps". This was Nina's frank and loving response, "There is no formula to doing the 'perfect' audition. It is a useless and impossible endeavor. Take 5 minutes and reflect afterwards on what you learned then move on to the next thing; there are so many factors out of your control that it isn't worth focusing on them." She then followed up by saying, "And please don't do the f**king Sex and the City s**t where you dwell on how you could have done it better for two days in bed. I will f**king punch you in the face if you do that."

Love is a many splendored thing. 

I had a break through with Susan last week; we got to a place in my voice where I was scared to let it go. I was trying so hard to maintain control over my voice that I was stopping it from letting it sing me. It was through this moment that I realized the crux of my issues lie in the fact that I am afraid of what I might be capable of. I am actually afraid of myself. This is not to say that I have never let go, I have many times but usually in performance. When there is no safety net. One would think that this would be scarier, but it is actually liberating because there is no way out. I simply bring it or I don't. I have to start instilling this "performance" theory into rehearsal. 

My analytic brain wants to find the key to this deadbolt. I feel that if I can unlock my insecurity, of seeing what would happen if I just released, then my life would improve vastly. I seriously need to just trust and open myself up. 

I am the deadbolt, and action is the key. 

The more I discover the more I realize I already have all the answers, they are all around me. I simply need to use them. And the only way to do that is to hunker down and execute. I need to stop making excuses, like time or energy, and give my life the stakes it requires. 

I am in a constant search for balance.

P.S. I have some great news coming down the pipes so stay tuned. 

Also, if you yet to purchase/rent/or download a copy of All the Wrong Reasons I would highly recommend it. 

It is officially available on all platforms. 

American Bravado.

A month ago today I started working as a dishwasher, and to officiate my position we were robbed on Sunday. They were extremely brazen robbers: I was in the kitchen when I heard someone outside our back door. I walked over and saw someone sitting in what looked like a get away car, not nearly as cool as Ryan Gosling in Drive but the effect was there. I was suspicious, and the staff had told me about things being stolen before,  so I closed and locked the door. I went back to work and thought about checking the basement to see if someone had in fact snuck in, but by the time I worked up the courage to go check I heard footsteps running up the stairs. I got to the door and saw one dude with what looked like a big case of beer running and jumping into the car.

I told my fellow employee and she bolted out the door (thinking they had her purse) and sprinted down the road after them. She returned out of breath and with the license plate number. We proceeded to inform the staff and the cops were called. They came down to the restaurant, stated they had caught the car and wanted as much information about what happened only moments before. I proceeded to act everything out (as I do) and one of the senior staff members went with the cops to identify the goods that were taken. 

As we got ready to leave for the night my fellow employee said that I had passed my restaurant initiation. 

Boom. 

Before this incident, my week started off with an audition for a principle character in a feature that my good friend had been cast as the lead in. He had pushed for me to see the director and my agent managed to get me in the room, which was awesome. The days leading up to the audition I thought about nailing the part, but didn't actually hunker down and solidify my choices until the day of. I had a friend of mine help me prep before and when I finally got in the room I froze up and tried to play what my pre determined judgment of the character was, or rather what I thought they wanted to see. 

Needless to say I tanked it, and left rather disappointed in myself, not only for knowing that I wasn't as prepared as I could have been, but also because I felt like I was letting people down. It was then that this Matt Damon quote popped into my head, "It’s just better to be yourself than to try to be some version of what you think the other person wants." It dawned on me that I needed to stop doing just that, and actually be true to myself, I needed to actually live what I have been preaching: Ideally, these people are looking for truth. The most I can offer them is myself, which happens to be a lot. I'm sure they go through hundreds of people trying to BE the character and I don't wanna be just another one of those. I want to be real and make them stop and watch. 

I made a pact to myself that from now on I would give myself to each audition 150%, as Cory Monteith told me to, and walk in confident and prepared. No more of these sloppy, half there attempts. I'm kind of shocked in myself that I actually had to make this pact, but me walking into that room and being surprised by how cold things were made me realize all I had to make myself comfortable, was myself. No one was going to hold my hand and ease me into the work that needed to be done. I need to be able to work comfortably under pressure and the only way I can do that is by being prepared.

Later in the week I had my first singing lesson in years with Susan Cuthbert, who is awesome. She was also Christine in the original Canadian cast of Phantom of the Opera, which made my knees buckle when she told me. Well, to be honest she told me indirectly. I was signing some of the Music of the Night and when I got to the final note, she replied, "That's how Colm would do it every night, while he held me in his arms..."

I died a slow nostalgic death. For those of you who don't know: My mom and I love Phantom and I grew up listening to the Toronto cast recording. Susan throwing this little tidbit out about her and Colm Wilkinson threw me for a complete loop. I realized who I was in the room with and became a tad star struck. Luckily this was closer to then end of the lesson. 

Before this moment happened, Susan and I talked a lot about performance and how even to this day she still gets nervous and is critical of herself in rehearsal; something that, as you know, I completely identify with. We also talked about how I felt isolated not being able to sight sing or play any instruments, that the way I learn how to sing a song is by listening to it repetitively so that it becomes ingrained in me. 

She said that she uses the same method. 

To find someone, who continues to have a career in musical theatre and shares the same method of learning music as me was deeply encouraging. She told me that I may not be as musically gifted as those that are able to sight read like kings, or play piano but I am still able to sing well, follow melodies and rhythm and ultimately perform what is asked of me. Who cares how I get there. It left me feeling so full and made me realize how much more achievable a musical theatre career could be. 

I left my lesson feeling so positive and excited for my next one. 

Last night I audited a class at Armstrong Acting Studio, specifically Salvatore Antonio's level 4 class. It reminded me of the scene studies we would do at NTS, the biggest difference being that there is a camera involved. I took a lot of notes, as Salvatore was full of golden advice nuggets, not only about scene work but about the industry. Looking back over my journal, as I rode the streetcar back to my apartment, there were some things that resonated with me. Especially where I am still in this state of not knowing. 

Salvatore spoke about how actors tend to talk profusely about their issues with a scene rather than simply doing it. As an actor, I have found myself being intimidated by what was being ask of me in a scene or complaining that it was "too hard" or "what do they expect me to do with all this stage direction?" and all kinds of personal issues. He talked about how there is always going to be a way out, something to complain about, but the people who succeed are the ones who can move past that attitude and give everything to the request at hand. Which is, for 1-8 minutes (for film) of ones life and commit to what is written on the page. It's that simple. 

He said this great thing, "if we are thrown off by everything that is fake (meaning what the given circumstances of the scene are) then we are in the wrong profession." If as an actor I am going to waste my time focusing on the things that are hard or uncomfortable, rather then stepping up to the plate and knocking it out of the park, then I have to question what I'm doing with my life. Dread and complaints have no place in my work. This is not to say that they don't exist, they do. But as Salvatore suggested, write down a list of the things ones hates about the scene; look at them, acknowledge them, and get back to work. Or a phrase that I am stealing from him, "Journal that shit out!"

People don't wanna hear about someone’s issues, ain't nobody got time for that, they want to see the person who can do the job. And I need to be that person, or at best give my attempt at being that person, which leads me to something else Salvatore spoke about: Start viewing auditions as simply attempts. Stop being so precious about the work, dive into it and have fun. Even the best actors have to sit in that waiting room for their opportunity to give an attempt at a role. Everyone gets the same sides at the same time, has to sit in the same room and do the same lines as everybody else, so the only things I have control over is how my time is used before the audition, and focusing on how to do the best version of me in the audition. If after I have done that and they still don't like me, well then that's their issue not mine. At the end of the day, if I was truthful to myself, did the prep work and was confident in what I was offering that’s all I have control over, especially in film. 

It's funny how much control I want, but actually have to let go of to be successful in this industry. So many things are out my control and I simply need to do what I can and leave the best impression possible. 

Salvatore spoke about an 'American Bravado' and I thought this encapsulated exactly what I have been looking for.  This translated to me as a pride and ownership over my work, a claiming of territory, and the competitive and patriotic nature of Americans. I know that I have these qualities inside of me (I am half American) and I really need to let them thrive. I need to stop excusing myself or making up reasons why I couldn't give the time to something I claim to care so much about. I don't take no for an answer in my personal life, why should my artistic life be any different? 

Thinking about this reminded me of what Colm Feore said to us (NTS) when he won the 2014 Gascon Thomas Award, "If you want to be where I am, prove it." I think this is one of the biggest hurdles I am facing, simply proving to myself that this dream is a reality. It is so easy to fall into doubt and negative feelings. I just have to go for it, as simple and cliché as that may sound, it's the only thing that is stopping me from rising to the top. Also preparation. I have coasted through a lot of projects because of my talent and that can't really help me anymore. This is the big league; I am not in the safe environment of school where teachers are focused on my needs. I have chosen to enter this storm of an industry and if I don't fight hard I will be ejected to the outskirts. I want, more than anything, to be in the eye of it. 

I have been buying books instead of food, and yet somehow I still feel full. 

I got sunburnt today because I was at the beach for most of the afternoon. 

It was glorious. 

It may seem as if Salvatore has paid me to quote him as much as I have, but this is the last one: "The great actor is simply the great observer; he who observes himself and those around him." When I allow myself to be informed by my actions, and allow others actions to inform me I become better as a person and ultimately an actor. Yet another cliché that when actually put into motion can change ones life. 

W.