American Bravado.

A month ago today I started working as a dishwasher, and to officiate my position we were robbed on Sunday. They were extremely brazen robbers: I was in the kitchen when I heard someone outside our back door. I walked over and saw someone sitting in what looked like a get away car, not nearly as cool as Ryan Gosling in Drive but the effect was there. I was suspicious, and the staff had told me about things being stolen before,  so I closed and locked the door. I went back to work and thought about checking the basement to see if someone had in fact snuck in, but by the time I worked up the courage to go check I heard footsteps running up the stairs. I got to the door and saw one dude with what looked like a big case of beer running and jumping into the car.

I told my fellow employee and she bolted out the door (thinking they had her purse) and sprinted down the road after them. She returned out of breath and with the license plate number. We proceeded to inform the staff and the cops were called. They came down to the restaurant, stated they had caught the car and wanted as much information about what happened only moments before. I proceeded to act everything out (as I do) and one of the senior staff members went with the cops to identify the goods that were taken. 

As we got ready to leave for the night my fellow employee said that I had passed my restaurant initiation. 

Boom. 

Before this incident, my week started off with an audition for a principle character in a feature that my good friend had been cast as the lead in. He had pushed for me to see the director and my agent managed to get me in the room, which was awesome. The days leading up to the audition I thought about nailing the part, but didn't actually hunker down and solidify my choices until the day of. I had a friend of mine help me prep before and when I finally got in the room I froze up and tried to play what my pre determined judgment of the character was, or rather what I thought they wanted to see. 

Needless to say I tanked it, and left rather disappointed in myself, not only for knowing that I wasn't as prepared as I could have been, but also because I felt like I was letting people down. It was then that this Matt Damon quote popped into my head, "It’s just better to be yourself than to try to be some version of what you think the other person wants." It dawned on me that I needed to stop doing just that, and actually be true to myself, I needed to actually live what I have been preaching: Ideally, these people are looking for truth. The most I can offer them is myself, which happens to be a lot. I'm sure they go through hundreds of people trying to BE the character and I don't wanna be just another one of those. I want to be real and make them stop and watch. 

I made a pact to myself that from now on I would give myself to each audition 150%, as Cory Monteith told me to, and walk in confident and prepared. No more of these sloppy, half there attempts. I'm kind of shocked in myself that I actually had to make this pact, but me walking into that room and being surprised by how cold things were made me realize all I had to make myself comfortable, was myself. No one was going to hold my hand and ease me into the work that needed to be done. I need to be able to work comfortably under pressure and the only way I can do that is by being prepared.

Later in the week I had my first singing lesson in years with Susan Cuthbert, who is awesome. She was also Christine in the original Canadian cast of Phantom of the Opera, which made my knees buckle when she told me. Well, to be honest she told me indirectly. I was signing some of the Music of the Night and when I got to the final note, she replied, "That's how Colm would do it every night, while he held me in his arms..."

I died a slow nostalgic death. For those of you who don't know: My mom and I love Phantom and I grew up listening to the Toronto cast recording. Susan throwing this little tidbit out about her and Colm Wilkinson threw me for a complete loop. I realized who I was in the room with and became a tad star struck. Luckily this was closer to then end of the lesson. 

Before this moment happened, Susan and I talked a lot about performance and how even to this day she still gets nervous and is critical of herself in rehearsal; something that, as you know, I completely identify with. We also talked about how I felt isolated not being able to sight sing or play any instruments, that the way I learn how to sing a song is by listening to it repetitively so that it becomes ingrained in me. 

She said that she uses the same method. 

To find someone, who continues to have a career in musical theatre and shares the same method of learning music as me was deeply encouraging. She told me that I may not be as musically gifted as those that are able to sight read like kings, or play piano but I am still able to sing well, follow melodies and rhythm and ultimately perform what is asked of me. Who cares how I get there. It left me feeling so full and made me realize how much more achievable a musical theatre career could be. 

I left my lesson feeling so positive and excited for my next one. 

Last night I audited a class at Armstrong Acting Studio, specifically Salvatore Antonio's level 4 class. It reminded me of the scene studies we would do at NTS, the biggest difference being that there is a camera involved. I took a lot of notes, as Salvatore was full of golden advice nuggets, not only about scene work but about the industry. Looking back over my journal, as I rode the streetcar back to my apartment, there were some things that resonated with me. Especially where I am still in this state of not knowing. 

Salvatore spoke about how actors tend to talk profusely about their issues with a scene rather than simply doing it. As an actor, I have found myself being intimidated by what was being ask of me in a scene or complaining that it was "too hard" or "what do they expect me to do with all this stage direction?" and all kinds of personal issues. He talked about how there is always going to be a way out, something to complain about, but the people who succeed are the ones who can move past that attitude and give everything to the request at hand. Which is, for 1-8 minutes (for film) of ones life and commit to what is written on the page. It's that simple. 

He said this great thing, "if we are thrown off by everything that is fake (meaning what the given circumstances of the scene are) then we are in the wrong profession." If as an actor I am going to waste my time focusing on the things that are hard or uncomfortable, rather then stepping up to the plate and knocking it out of the park, then I have to question what I'm doing with my life. Dread and complaints have no place in my work. This is not to say that they don't exist, they do. But as Salvatore suggested, write down a list of the things ones hates about the scene; look at them, acknowledge them, and get back to work. Or a phrase that I am stealing from him, "Journal that shit out!"

People don't wanna hear about someone’s issues, ain't nobody got time for that, they want to see the person who can do the job. And I need to be that person, or at best give my attempt at being that person, which leads me to something else Salvatore spoke about: Start viewing auditions as simply attempts. Stop being so precious about the work, dive into it and have fun. Even the best actors have to sit in that waiting room for their opportunity to give an attempt at a role. Everyone gets the same sides at the same time, has to sit in the same room and do the same lines as everybody else, so the only things I have control over is how my time is used before the audition, and focusing on how to do the best version of me in the audition. If after I have done that and they still don't like me, well then that's their issue not mine. At the end of the day, if I was truthful to myself, did the prep work and was confident in what I was offering that’s all I have control over, especially in film. 

It's funny how much control I want, but actually have to let go of to be successful in this industry. So many things are out my control and I simply need to do what I can and leave the best impression possible. 

Salvatore spoke about an 'American Bravado' and I thought this encapsulated exactly what I have been looking for.  This translated to me as a pride and ownership over my work, a claiming of territory, and the competitive and patriotic nature of Americans. I know that I have these qualities inside of me (I am half American) and I really need to let them thrive. I need to stop excusing myself or making up reasons why I couldn't give the time to something I claim to care so much about. I don't take no for an answer in my personal life, why should my artistic life be any different? 

Thinking about this reminded me of what Colm Feore said to us (NTS) when he won the 2014 Gascon Thomas Award, "If you want to be where I am, prove it." I think this is one of the biggest hurdles I am facing, simply proving to myself that this dream is a reality. It is so easy to fall into doubt and negative feelings. I just have to go for it, as simple and cliché as that may sound, it's the only thing that is stopping me from rising to the top. Also preparation. I have coasted through a lot of projects because of my talent and that can't really help me anymore. This is the big league; I am not in the safe environment of school where teachers are focused on my needs. I have chosen to enter this storm of an industry and if I don't fight hard I will be ejected to the outskirts. I want, more than anything, to be in the eye of it. 

I have been buying books instead of food, and yet somehow I still feel full. 

I got sunburnt today because I was at the beach for most of the afternoon. 

It was glorious. 

It may seem as if Salvatore has paid me to quote him as much as I have, but this is the last one: "The great actor is simply the great observer; he who observes himself and those around him." When I allow myself to be informed by my actions, and allow others actions to inform me I become better as a person and ultimately an actor. Yet another cliché that when actually put into motion can change ones life. 

W.

1 Down 1 2 Go.

Hey Abyss,

The last Christmas Break of my educational career has started and it has come at the perfect time. I have  been looking forward to having this time to myself. I need this time to focus on how I want to move forward in the new year and become stronger. I feel like everyday is an opportunity for me to learn how  to become better and more wholesome as a person, and sequentially and actor. I want to move on from the things that hold me back and just leap into life. I have a tenancy to dwell on things that are in the past or are beyond my control, but in the last few weeks I have experienced a surge of freedom. This surge has helped me to have a more positive and carefree outlook on life and I am loving the feeling.

I had my term evaluation with Alisa Palmer on Friday and we talked about a lot of things. Both of the directors I worked with this term (Ravi Jain & Tadeusz Bradecki) had some critical things to point out in me. Although I was initially confused by what they had said about me as an actor, Alisa was able to translate it and help me to understand how I can move forward with their feedback in mind. We came to the conclusion that I am a performer, first and for most. There is a significant difference between a performer and an actor, it is the actor that I am struggling to find. I know that the combination of both performer and actor is ideal, and is what I want to achieve more than anything.

I have always known and been most alive and explorative WITH an audience. In the rehearsal process I tend to do one of two things: I bring it in the reading and throw out all of my offers so that after weeks of rehearsal things become bland and static. Or I limit myself by judging myself before I let the work happen. Both of these things are detrimental to the process. The only aspect that ends up saving me is that I come alive in front of an audience, which is the nature of a performer. This is my talent. But I am here to learn how to be an actor, my performance abilities have and always will be with me.

Alisa suggested to me that I work with myself to go deeper in the work, to really let it affect me to open myself up to the process and avoid judgement. All things I am aware of but not sure how to do. So, my challenge for next term is to focus on cracking myself open in the rehearsal room and building myself back up in time for performance. I know that in order for me to go deeper in the work and in myself I have to give up my judgement and perceived judgement of others. This is something I have been struggling with since first year. It psychs me out so much. I mess up lines and over analyze situations to the point where I become catatonic. Self doubt and frustration is my kryptonite. When I get to those points I creatively stop and there is nothing that will push me out of that state except for time and re-evaluation, and in a short rehearsal period I don't have those luxuries.

I know that I can sometimes come off as harsh and self deprecating but that is not my intention. These posts are for me to create a marker for myself, a period in time to be accountable to. If I have written how I can progress it makes me that much more motivated to change. The more diligent I can be with myself about progression the better I can become.

To go back to my point about actor vs performer and the combination of the two; I want to clarify that I have felt truly in the work as an actor many times at the school.  And during those moments I wasn't judging myself or self conscious, I was just living with the written text and the emotions in front of me. It was extremely liberating and cemented the idea that I have the ability to be as good an actor as I am a performer. In the coming months I just want to feel these moments more frequently and gain access on the regular to this compartment. I need regular practice, and I think this can relate to what I said a few posts back about Colm Feore; I need to constantly be working towards what I want. The lazier and closed off I am, the less of a change I will experience.

And there we have it: Logged.

Now to implement and move forward.

Happy Holidays!

Night, Abyss.

Doubt.

Hey Abyss,


Tomorrow I, along with my class, will be heading into rehearsal for the second show of our graduate season: Our Country's Good by Timberlake Weretenbaker. I am not really sure why, but I am extremely excited for this process. My class and I had the opportunity to see Tadeusz Bradecki's work at the Shaw Festival earlier this year, as he also directed Guys & Dolls. I had a blast at the show, and perhaps that is why I am so excited to work with him. Although, there is a difference between a 1950's musical and a historical piece that is set in 1788, Australia.

This week we were working with Jackie Maxwell, who is the Artistic Director of the Shaw Festival, on scenes from Three Sisters. The class was intended more for the 2 directing program students, and focused on balancing crowds on the stage through dynamic and relationships, which in turn continues to feed the actors. It was an interesting experience and helped me to not just see my relationship to the other characters, but also the big picture and how there can be a domino effect. Working with Jackie was great. She is super chill and really easy to talk to, which surprised me. Personally, I have always been rather intimidated by AD's, so that fact that she was extremely approachable and kind made working with her a breeze and began to debunk my theories.

Her class was the only one we had which made it a pretty lax week, in terms of NTS. We finally got a full two day weekend after  Lion in the Streets and we had another one this weekend, which I assume was to be used to prep for Our Country's Good. Needless to say, I used the time to breathe and actually get some of my "everyday" things done.

This past Friday, the student body went to the Monument National to be privy to the reception of this years winners of the Gascon-Thomas Awards: Colm Feore and Suzanne Lebeau. Both of them are extremely inspiring and talented artists and if you don't know who they are, I recommend clicking their names and finding out.

Colm said some really pertinent things, in his seemly improvised speech, that have continued to resonate with me over the weekend. He spoke about preparedness in the young actor, and how it is essential for survival to be constantly honing your craft. How at any moment one must be ready to do what is asked. That is the key to getting work and having longevity. One must invest and prove that they are capable and ready. 

Honestly, I couldn't agree more with him.

But as I nodded my head in compliance with his bold and energetic speech, I came to the realization that I needed to work harder. Now, I always work hard in the moment, that has never been a problem whether on stage or behind the camera. The work that Colm was speaking about was when no one is looking, when there is no one to be accountable to other than yourself and your bank account. And in that moment listening to Colm, I saw how lazy I can be. In the past, I have blamed it on the busy schedule we have at the school, or that I am tired and have other things that need my focus. But actually, nothing needs my focus more than my career. And that is the truth.

Along with this acceptance of my lazy tendencies, I have also accepted that I need to stop doubting myself as an actor. It is a continued process of relinquishing control, and now running along side that is my abandon of self doubt. There is nothing wrong or arrogant with knowing that I have something to offer, that I have talent. I can accept that I may not know what my artistic vision is yet, or what deeply motivates me to create, but I do know that I have something unique to bring to the table and I am good at what I do, which is being an actor. And accepting that is a huge step. I have doubted my abilities and strengths since first year, and it is only now that I can see that I do have them, and I am special, despite the cliché of that sentence.

Heading into Our Country's Good with this state of mind, and my excitement for the work that is to be done with this show makes me feel extremely confident about the next few months and my progression in my final year at NTS.

As my conversation ended with Colm he said to me, "When we meet again, make sure to remind me that we met here in the lobby of the Monument." I replied, "Don't worry, I will."

Great News: All the Wrong Reasons had it's Canadian theatrical release and is playing in all the major cities make sure you get out to see this amazing film featuring the Canadian talents of Karine Vanesse, Emily Hampshire, Kevin Zegers and the late Cory Monteith. Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for yours truly. You can check locations here --> Showtimes

Also, as a reminder, on Novemeber 16th, BONE DEEP will premiere on CBC for your watching pleasure, and it will be uploaded to iTunes later that day if you don't have cable. I was nominated for an ACTRA award for my performance, so if you like me, you might like the film!

Night Abyss.