A month ago today I started working as a
dishwasher, and to officiate my position we were robbed on Sunday. They were
extremely brazen robbers: I was in the kitchen when I heard someone outside our
back door. I walked over and saw someone sitting in what looked like a get away
car, not nearly as cool as Ryan Gosling in Drive but the effect was there. I
was suspicious, and the staff had told me about things being stolen before,
so I closed and locked the door. I went back to work and thought about
checking the basement to see if someone had in fact snuck in, but by the time I
worked up the courage to go check I heard footsteps running up the stairs. I
got to the door and saw one dude with what looked like a big case of beer
running and jumping into the car.
I told my fellow employee and she bolted out the
door (thinking they had her purse) and sprinted down the road after them. She
returned out of breath and with the license plate number. We proceeded to
inform the staff and the cops were called. They came down to the restaurant,
stated they had caught the car and wanted as much information about what
happened only moments before. I proceeded to act everything out (as I do) and
one of the senior staff members went with the cops to identify the goods that
were taken.
As we got ready to leave for the night my fellow
employee said that I had passed my restaurant initiation.
Boom.
Before this incident, my week started off with an
audition for a principle character in a feature that my good friend had been
cast as the lead in. He had pushed for me to see the director and my agent
managed to get me in the room, which was awesome. The days leading up to the
audition I thought about nailing the part, but didn't actually hunker down and
solidify my choices until the day of. I had a friend of mine help me prep
before and when I finally got in the room I froze up and tried to play what my
pre determined judgment of the character was, or rather what I thought they
wanted to see.
Needless to say I tanked it, and left rather
disappointed in myself, not only for knowing that I wasn't as prepared as I
could have been, but also because I felt like I was letting people down. It was
then that this Matt Damon quote popped into my head, "It’s just better to be yourself
than to try to be some version of what you think the other person wants." It dawned on me that I needed to stop doing just that, and
actually be true to myself, I needed to actually live what I have
been preaching: Ideally, these people are looking for truth. The most I
can offer them is myself, which happens to be a lot. I'm sure they go
through hundreds of people trying to BE the character and
I don't wanna be just another one of those. I want to be real and make
them stop and watch.
I made a pact to myself that from now
on I would give myself to each audition 150%, as Cory Monteith told me to, and
walk in confident and prepared. No more of these sloppy, half
there attempts. I'm kind of shocked in myself that I actually had to
make this pact, but me walking into that room and being surprised by how cold
things were made me realize all I had to make myself comfortable, was
myself. No one was going to hold my hand and ease me into the work
that needed to be done. I need to be able to work comfortably
under pressure and the only way I can do that is by being prepared.
Later in the week I had my first
singing lesson in years with Susan Cuthbert, who is awesome. She was also
Christine in the original Canadian cast of Phantom of the Opera, which
made my knees buckle when she told me. Well, to be honest she told me
indirectly. I was signing some of the Music of the Night and when I got
to the final note, she replied, "That's how Colm would do
it every night, while he held me in his arms..."
I died a slow nostalgic death. For
those of you who don't know: My mom and I love Phantom and
I grew up listening to the Toronto cast recording. Susan throwing this
little tidbit out about her and Colm
Wilkinson threw me for a complete loop. I realized who I was in
the room with and became a tad star struck. Luckily this was
closer to then end of the lesson.
Before this moment happened, Susan
and I talked a lot about performance and how even to this day she still gets
nervous and is critical of herself in rehearsal; something that, as you
know, I completely identify with. We also talked about how I felt isolated
not being able to sight sing or play any instruments, that the way I learn
how to sing a song is by listening to it repetitively so that it
becomes ingrained in me.
She said that she uses the same
method.
To find someone, who continues to
have a career in musical theatre and shares the same method of learning music
as me was deeply encouraging. She told me that I may not be as musically gifted
as those that are able to sight read like kings, or play piano but I am still
able to sing well, follow melodies and rhythm
and ultimately perform what is asked of me. Who cares how I get
there. It left me feeling so full and made me realize how much
more achievable a musical theatre career could be.
I left my lesson feeling
so positive and excited for my next one.
Last night I audited a class at
Armstrong Acting Studio, specifically Salvatore Antonio's level 4 class. It reminded me
of the scene studies we would do at NTS, the biggest difference
being that there is a camera involved. I took a lot of notes, as Salvatore
was full of golden advice nuggets, not only about scene work but about the
industry. Looking back over my journal, as I rode the streetcar back to my apartment,
there were some things that resonated with me. Especially where I am still in
this state of not knowing.
Salvatore spoke about how actors tend
to talk profusely about their issues with a scene rather
than simply doing it. As an actor, I have found myself being intimidated by
what was being ask of me in a scene or complaining that it was "too
hard" or "what do they expect me to do with all this stage direction?"
and all kinds of personal issues. He talked about how there is always going to
be a way out, something to complain about, but the people who succeed are
the ones who can move past that attitude and give everything to the request at
hand. Which is, for 1-8 minutes (for film) of ones life and commit to what is
written on the page. It's that simple.
He said this great thing, "if we
are thrown off by everything that is fake (meaning what the
given circumstances of the scene are) then we are in the wrong
profession." If as an actor I am going to waste my time focusing on
the things that are hard or uncomfortable, rather then stepping up to the
plate and knocking it out of the park, then I have to question what I'm doing
with my life. Dread and complaints have no place in my work. This is not
to say that they don't exist, they do. But as Salvatore suggested,
write down a list of the things ones hates about the scene; look at them,
acknowledge them, and get back to work. Or a phrase that I am stealing
from him, "Journal that shit out!"
People don't wanna hear about someone’s
issues, ain't nobody got time for that, they want to see the person who can do
the job. And I need to be that person, or at best give my attempt at being
that person, which leads me to something else Salvatore spoke about:
Start viewing auditions as simply attempts. Stop being so
precious about the work, dive into it and have fun. Even the best actors have
to sit in that waiting room for their opportunity to give an attempt at a
role. Everyone gets the same sides at the same time, has to sit in the same
room and do the same lines as everybody else, so the only things I have control
over is how my time is used before the audition, and focusing on how to do
the best version of me in the audition. If after I have done that and they
still don't like me, well then that's their issue not mine. At
the end of the day, if I was truthful to myself, did the prep work and was
confident in what I was offering that’s all I have control
over, especially in film.
It's funny how much control I want,
but actually have to let go of to be successful in this industry. So many
things are out my control and I simply need to do what I can and leave the
best impression possible.
Salvatore spoke about an 'American
Bravado' and I thought this encapsulated exactly what I have been looking for.
This translated to me as a pride and ownership over my work, a
claiming of territory, and the competitive and patriotic nature of Americans. I
know that I have these qualities inside of me (I am half American) and I
really need to let them thrive. I need to stop excusing myself or making up
reasons why I couldn't give the time to something I claim to care so much
about. I don't take no for an answer in my personal life, why
should my artistic life be any different?
Thinking about this reminded
me of what Colm Feore said to us (NTS) when he won the 2014 Gascon Thomas
Award, "If you want to be where I am, prove it." I think this is one
of the biggest hurdles I am facing, simply proving to myself that this dream is
a reality. It is so easy to fall into doubt and negative feelings. I just
have to go for it, as simple and cliché as that may sound, it's the only
thing that is stopping me from rising to the top. Also preparation. I have coasted through a lot of projects because of my talent and
that can't really help me anymore. This is the big league; I am not in the
safe environment of school where teachers are focused on my
needs. I have chosen to enter this storm of an industry and if I don't
fight hard I will be ejected to the outskirts. I want, more than anything, to
be in the eye of it.
I have been buying books instead of
food, and yet somehow I still feel full.
I got sunburnt today because I
was at the beach for most of the afternoon.
It was glorious.
W.
