Golden -- I Am Not Afraid.

Today marks the first day of my next adventure. 

I flew in from my final week of filming Olympus last night, as I rode the bus back into Toronto I had a moment, or an exhale, as I realized, "It is done." 

This is not to say that I was waiting for what has been one of the most life changing events of my life to be over, it was acceptance that I've completed one chapter and will now be moving into the next. 

As I sit here, this morning in my bed, with my recently reclaimed cats, kneading my spare pillow into submission, I feel open; I feel excited and inspired. The possibilities have become endless once again. This might scare some, but I am not afraid. Instead, I am thankful. Over the last few months I've had the pleasure and the gift of spending a copious amount of time being with myself; learning who I am. 

I shifted immensely over this project, as always, as an actor and a man. 

I'm slowly cementing the people in my life that make me feel creative, allow me to be myself and encourage my offbeat patterns. Identifying this circle is allowing me to relinquish my need for control, gives me my much-desired confidence and makes me realize that we all need each other. 

Before I flew out to Vancouver, last week, my agent and I had a lovely conversation about where we want to go from here; I'm coming off playing a series lead on a network television show and have a new standard of work that feeds my trajectory. This is not to say that I'm now a classist, entitled actor who will only do a select amount of projects per year, *cough, Daniel Day-Lewis, cough* I'm certainly not in that position (far from it). What it is allowing me to do is give myself perspective and artist choice. 

As ambitious as it may sound, I don't want to be part of a project I'm not proud of. I don't want to look back in 10-15 years and go, "God, why did I do that?" or, "I needed to pay rent.." I will say this enough about my "Joe jobs". I want each and every artistic endeavour to be a source of pride and education. Perhaps it's a lofty idea, only time will tell. I have a wonderful and supportive partner, in my agent, and I know that she has my back; A rarity in the industry. With her and I's partnership at the height it is and me coming off of a project like this; everything is my favour. Now more than ever, it would behoove me to not go out there and kill it in my auditions. 

With my ideals aligned, my partnership strong and my resume improved, the only thing I need to get underneath me, to be truly successful, are my nerves. I have to learn how to work with them, rather than against. I shouldn't be ashamed of my nerves, but should thank them for letting me know I'm alive and passionate. They are part of me. 

Between some good/new friends, the biggest pieces of advice I have received lately are, ironically, to stop taking peoples advice and to start listening to myself. I have been in student mode for so long now and it's imperative for me to step into the artists/adult life; trust my abilities and the experiences I have under my belt. 

I have a tendency to continually ask people for advice, simply because I want to hang out with them or want to talk to them, almost always it turns into me asking them questions I already know the answers to, or walking away without much more perspective than what I went in with. I can meet someone new and not talk about my craft, or how they deal with being an artist, as radical as that may seem; we can simply talk about life. We can talk about their other interests, which are more essential to my work than ego stroking. It also keeps dawning on me that I have worked more than some people twice my age, in TV at least, and need to take pride in that fact. I don't need to start spitting my advice on strangers, but I can rest easy knowing that I carry that experience, both on my resume and on my face. I don't want to lose my positivity and wide-eyed perspective, but I have to step up and become an adult, "Studentmon digivolve to ADULTMON!" 

I have been meeting new people, who aren't actors, who have been making me feel so much more human. They have allowed me to learn about them and hear about their lives, which are vastly different than mine, and rightfully so. It's been refreshing to learn about things besides acting/writing/producing, I love all those things but sometimes one needs perspective. 

Right now, that one is I. 

I have accepted that I will need to get a part time job in the New Year, and am not bothered by that, because I will find something that will supplement my life, rather than become it. That's what I must to remember; My focus is my creative life, not being the best Starbucks barista. 

Life is in a great place for me; I'm golden. 

A good friend of mine and I had dinner the other night and spoke about the ease I feel in life right now and how I do not want to drop below this level again. She replied, "Then don't let it, but if it does acknowledge it, be in that state truthfully, and then rise back up." She is a wise woman. 

And now, I leave you with some Jill Scott: 

Golden

W.

Childlike vs Childish.

A few weekends ago, I attended one of VIFF (Vancouver International Film Festival)'s red carpet events with some of the cast and writer, Nick Willing, of Olympus. In my hurry to pack, before coming out here to film, I had neglected to bring any of my prized dress clothes, my freakum suit, if you will. Between my lack of clothing options and having been denied a haircut, I had to make the best of the situation and try to SLAY in my converse, Beatles wannabe/Justin Bieber mop and paisley tie.

I met someone I admired that night and was excited by the opportunity to ask them specific questions, but instead of listening to my questions they bombarded me with their rehearsed bit of "advice". Instead of us truly connecting and perhaps developing a mentorship, I walked away disappointed and embarrassed that I had ever put them on such a pedestal. Upon returning to my fellow cast mates I was reminded by them to never become that kind of person and always strive to make real connections with fans, and people who look up to me as an artist. It cemented for me how there is a large portion of this industry that is looking for meaning in their life through success and fame, that their person is defined by the amount of people who know them. They lose sight of the work, and forget what they are fighting for (if anything).

Nick Willing, Sonita Henry and I spent the day together on Sunday and the two of them really got me thinking about what it is that has drawn me to this profession. What is it that I'm truly fighting for in life, beyond the stage, beyond the camera, what is it that makes my heart beat? Nick spoke about how we are hunting for the things that give us meaning and once we find what those are it is relatively easy to achieve them. The issue, or hard part, lies in the fact that we spend so much time distracting ourselves from what we truly want, we settle for what we think is comparable, or just completely deny our dreams altogether.

When I skyped with my good friend, Lisa, I mediated on this idea with her, "What exactly do I want?" I concluded, for now, that I'm looking for complete empathy for the human race. I want to understand how I operate, how others operate, what makes people tick and why we do the things we do. I want to have the ability to show people themselves, humanity, and what they could be if they also fought for what they love. 

Over the last few weeks I have had moments where I've noticed how childlike this whole situation (acting) is; Here we are, dressing in costumes, playing on a set that had been constructed for our imaginary world to exist in, while others were trained how to capture our moments of pretending; it's professional child's play. And I'm paid to do it. When I reduce it down to that rationalization it becomes so much less grand, it brings me back to playing Digimon with my brother on the front lawn; the worlds we created, the characters we played, the lives we lived in those few hours between after school and supper time. It suddenly became demystified. Acting really is having the imagination of a child, while impressing it on adult situations.

To quote the Bible, "Be childlike, not childish." - Luke 7:31-5

This realization may seem obvious or rudimentary, but it's so easy to let acting become cerebral and revolve around wit and trickery, when in reality, it's corporeal and honest. When one sees a child truly feeling something, one is there with them. We are forced to be present with that child because the stakes for them are so high. This is what I'm hunting for, that effortless call upon my emotions, honestly, the bravery to look anything but attractive. There are obviously schools of thought that believe acting can be broken down into steps, but really, I'm discovering that it's just the opening of ones mind, breaking down walls and reclaiming that sense of play we all had as a child.

Lisa also spoke about bringing this childlike bravery to auditions and letting them be fun, and simply a chance to play rather than seeing them as this massive, career-defining thing. If I can go in and truly see these casting directors in their underwear, so to speak, then it adds humour and allows me to release the pressures that I'm fabricating in my adult brain, "I need this job, I need this money, I hate my Joe job, save me from the seventh level of Hell that is customer service, etc."

By letting childish tenancies into the work, one takes away from the process. By letting ones emotions and personal insecurities into the work, at any level, one takes away from the world that the brave are creating. One has to learn how to interact and maintain the work with a childlike innocence and play, while still dealing with the world as an adult. It's a balance that I'm determined to find. 

Being at that event solidified how many childish: self-interested, vain, rude, narcissistic, and shallow people there are in this industry.

My fight for ultimate empathy requires me to treat everyone with respect; myself included, and stay true to my dream, regardless of how they treat me. I cannot afford to let myself get bogged down or be self-depreciating, the longer I entertain those ideas the further away I get from my goals and the more power I give them in dictating my life. 

When we are born into this world we don't know what fear is, we are open, malleable vessels who only know how to love. For me, getting back to this place is the ultimate. 

W.

Tub Dreaming - A Return

Hey Abyss,

Look, I know its been a while buddy but I have concluded that there is really no point in my writing about my progress in school. It would get repetitive and boring, and on a side note the training at NTS is one that cannot described. So I come to you with news of my return.

I am going to be making weekly entry's now that, one, I have time due to the ending of school for the summer, and, two, I am heading back to Halifax for job hunting! So lets dive in:

Today is my 4th day in my empty apartment. The only things to keep me busy are my cats, a computer with limited internet connection and a newly polished off 4kg container of peanut butter. Sounds like a ballin' time eh? I have been sleeping in my bathtub because my bed has been moved to my new apartment, that is about a half hour away, and I have slowly been packing my ONE bag with the essentials that I think I am going to need for 4 months.

This past week has been an eventful one full of much drama and learning. I will start off with my Monday of last week which started with me falling down Mount Royal and having my hand crushed and splitting my pinkie open. After a trip to the emergency room, with help from a man I had just met that night, I was back in my apartment with a stitched hand and a now lost iPod. Needless to say, I have learned to not drink 6 litres of Heineken and go rock climbing after a Canadian Solider, the guy who helped me, has told me not to.

My hand was pretty swollen earlier this week and so I could do nothing for myself, and I mean nothing.

Picture personal things, yeah those I couldn't do either.

So I needed a lot of help and was surprised by the amount of people who called and offered to help my in any way they could. Except with the personal things.

On Wednesday two of my friends helped me move all my furniture over to one of the three apartments I am currently paying for.

A quote : "You always know who your friends are when you see who shows up after you ask for help moving." Jesse LaVercombe.

I was happy to get that all done in less then two hours, but had forgotten that now I had nothing in my apartment which has made for, as mentioned earlier, a grand 'ol time.

Let's just say I think that my cats and I know each other really well now.

My hand has slowly been healing and if you follow my Twitter or Facebook you can see the damage as of yesterday. It reminds me of Frankenstein.

Always an attractive feature to have when appealing to women.

I am leaving for home on wednesday night of this week coming and am stoked to see my family again, although my dear mother laughed at me when I called her and told her what happened on the mountain. It will be nice to have a home cooked meal, or at least a free trip to MacDonalds. I am excited to see all my friends and catch up with people who I have missed for the 8 months I have been here. And most importantly getting some more acting work!

I am praying, for my student loan sake, that this summer will be lucrative and I can make some money and get a decent amount of coverage again. I feel so out of the loop with my city and I am anxious to get back and start annoying people with my public appearances.

I don't want to prattle on for too long but hopefully this has answered the question as to why I have not been writing. And if you have any other questions for me put them in the comment box below.

Also Check out my IMDB, Twitter and Facebook.

Peace Abyss.

Not only am I Average but I am a Noob, and certainly not a Day Owl

When people call themselves "Night Owls" I always get confused. I have personally used the term myself, which always leads to more confusion due to the fact that I don't understand the term to begin with. Because is there anything but "Night Owls"? I have never heard of "Day Owls". Thus I remain confused and still using the term.  Somehow, I don't think I am the first to use a term that one does not understand. Perhaps I could start implementing the term into my daily vocabulary. "Day Owl". I am certainly not one. It is 3am and I have to work in less than 4 hours, yet here I am creating this Blog.

Today was an interesting day; I went to my day job, which is a mobility provider and proceeded to take care of customers in a timely fashion. Timely being an ironic word due to the fact that I was late, which I can assure you never happens; I am always punctual.  Now, I had received a call from my agent previously this week regarding an audition today. So, pitching the idea of me leaving work for an audition seemed like it was going to be a challenge, considering that I was late. My manager and I have only know each other for a small amount of time due to me being a transfer from my home town 4 months ago. To my surprise the challenge was not really a challenge at all (As you will soon find out that I am a person who considers the worst consequences for situations), my manager let me go and I was able to get to my audition with time to spare.  This audition was for a casting agency who I have auditioned for multiple times, they are currently casting a very popular show. And regardless of my consistency I have yet to garner a role in anything. Needless to say I just keep going back.  I guess my best hope is to finally get into the Union so I am more readily available for film and television work, because without this status you are like a 15 year-old looking for a job with no work experience. Basically someone has to take pity on you and give you a job before you can start racking up the experience. This is my goal for the year, someone to take pity on me like a 15 year-old.  To continue to play on the 15 year-old analogy I sometimes feel like a superhero in a sense: By day, I am your friendly neighborhood mobility Sales Consultant. By night, a wouldbe actor just trying to get noticed, whilst trying to maintain a living and pay the rent on time.

Apparently you are just supposed to write on this thing, so here I am just writing to the abyss. Not knowing if anyone anywhere will ever read this. Hopefully I started it off this relationship well. A relationship that will hopefully last much longer than my past romantic ones.

Goodnight Abyss.