Confidence.

I had an audition Friday morning. This was my first live one in a while. I was contacted at 6am about going to the audition at 11:45am later that day. My agent informed me that this was a big casting director and it would be in my best interest to meet them. Despite it being 6:15am, I was pumped and grateful for the chance to meet said casting director. 

Unfortunately, getting sides 5 hours before an audition isn't the ideal situation. I tried my best to memorize what I could, but with 8 pages of text I settled on trying to make some bold choices and attempt to avoid looking at the pages the entire time. I drove out to the casting office and while waiting to go in, my nerves started. I started to pep talk myself, but felt entirely unprepared. When it was finally my time to go in, I tensed up and sped through the scenes with none of my minimally rehearsed choices and was in and out within 5 minutes. 

Fail.

All these excuses came surging through my brain, "If only I had more time. I wish I hadn't felt so rushed. There was too much pressure on this meeting. I didn't like the character anyway. I mean, I only got the sides this morning..." as I was driving away, I realized that none of these excuses were viable. They were just ways for me to avoid the truth: I lacked confidence, again.

This word. This feeling. This mindset; is my albatross. I have been grappling with it since first year at NTS. Prior to school, I didn't care what anyone thought of me, I knew who I was (or so I thought) and nothing was going to stop me from killing it every time I walked on stage. Having been smashed apart and slowly built back up at NTS, I'm still trying to reclaim that, once free, Wayne who would have done anything to get in front of people. I miss him; he is still inside me. Once I uncover him again, we can get on living the life he wants for me.

Granted, this was my 5th (in person) audition since graduation, so I have to give myself a break. I need a little more time to acclimate, that's normal. Nerves are normal they mean I care. I need to embrace their presence and breathe a little deeper.

Some of these rooms aren't the most inviting or coziest places to show ones work, but these rooms are not for artistry, they are for business. That's what I have to keep in mind. I have to be professional and perform the best I can in the medium that is "the audition". No one is going to make me comfortable, that is my responsibility. I have to take my space and, if necessary, wait until the reader is with me; treat them as my scene partner. If my scene partner were rushing through dialogue and not connecting with me I would stop and ask them what was happening, or simply look at them until I am ready to speak. I put time into the piece; I deserve to do it the way I want.

Working on Olympus has taught me many things, but one of the biggest is how much confidence affects my work. When I walk onto set now I know what I'm doing, I know my character, I've done my homework, I know my lines inside and out, I know all the crew... it's a completely comfortable environment. Sure, there are days where I have to bare my soul to strangers, but I know that more or less they are all there with me, at the very least the director is. The set has become my home. I have to do the same with the audition room. I need be true to me and let my work shine through. I'm a well-trained, intelligent, talented actor so why am I not letting them see what I can do?

Fear? Doubt? Rejection? These things that have no place in my work. They need to be exorcized out of me then doused in nitroglycerin and smashed into thousands of unidentifiable pieces. 

From now on I will no longer succumb to the aforementioned. I will be brave, confident and specific in my choices. I will execute with passion and focus; my life depends on it.

****

I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine. I don't have a project coming up upon my return to Toronto so I'm excited to have time to establish said routine, while finally doing some things I have been putting off for years. Like learning how to play piano, cooking killer breakfasts, and getting my voice back in shape.

I've been obsessed with tight choreography lately and want to experience some live. I watched Pina last night and had forgotten how much dance speaks to my soul. I'm working on writing a play, while  developing some performance ideas. I want to meet more artists in my community, I want to collaborate on projects and ultimately get back in touch with my creativity. Through that I will rediscover "confident Wayne", who's been waiting to play for a while now.  

W. 

Analog.

Hey Abyss,

First of all I want to thank everyone who came out to support me at SOLO-icious last weekend, I truly felt the love. My mom was able to come and see LIONESS and this was the first time she had seen me perform in a couple of years. She was thrilled, and of course had some notes for me afterwards; as she does.

This was the second public performance of LIONESS, my definite third will be happening in Ottawa next month, and I learned so much this time around. The audience was obviously different than the audience at The National Theatre School, albeit just as special. The catch with SOLO-icious is that the audience doesn't know what they have signed on to see, they just buy a ticket for the evening and take the ride. So the audience is intently gathering information about each piece as it comes out, because they are completely unrelated.

All day I had been extremely nervous about how the audience would feel about LIONESS, and my nerves ended up getting the best of me at the start of my piece. As "Wayne" I have a tendency to be very hard on myself and make judgements, for other people, about myself. I create these big personalities, which are my characters, and I have a difficult time letting them live in front of an audience. I lose faith in my abilities sometimes, and it is venomous.

I know the show entirely. Maria is inside of me. I know how she moves and how she thinks about everything and everyone. That's not a question. Granted, what I learned from performing the show last week was that I truly need to let "Wayne" fade to the back when I am playing a character. Of course there are going to elements of myself in everything that I play, but as soon as MY nerves and insecurities filter into the character in suffocates them and they can't do what I have created them for: To be an expression of me as an artist, to tell the story that we develop together. Thus, my performance isn't what it could be and ultimately, I let the character down.

Due to the fact that I also wrote the piece there is more at stake in my mind when I let my nerves get the best of me or I stumble. It is an odd feeling when you trip over the words you wrote. But even the best actors mess up, and even the best actors have bad performances where they feel they didn't do what they are capable of. As self deprecating as this all may sound, I think it is part of this journey as a young actor.

Over the last few weeks I have been talking to some very influential people about my journey into third year, and about my career. A lot of things that happened to me in last semester are starting to drop in and make sense. Somehow over the last two years I have lost sight of aspects of myself and I am looking to reclaim them in the next few months. I want to graduate from NTS as strong as possible. And the only way I can do that is to face my weaknesses head on. This summer so far has been about digging and recalling those weaknesses and thinking about how I can make then strengths.

This stuff is all old hat, I just need to reiterate it for myself. Keeps me accountable.

No auditions of late, the next big thing on my plate is a Personal Training Course that I am preparing for. Other than that I am trying to expose myself to as much inspiration as possible while enjoying my downtime. I head to Ottawa to direct Aladdin Jr. with Stabback Music Studio in 18 days!

Over the weekend my grandfather gave me his Father's wristwatch. It is a self timing watch, which means that it stops ticking when it is not on my wrist. I like that each time I take it off, before I put it on I have to set it. I think it is going to be a great way to teach me how to slow down and enjoy the simple things. Getting my first adult watch makes me feel so grown up, as cheesy as that sounds.

Life is the time we have left, and what we choose to do with it.

Night Abyss.

(Disclaimer: I am not a drag performer. Maria is simply a character who has a story to tell. And I am a man who is choosing to tell it, authentically. I have a lot of respect for drag performers but that is not the point of LIONESS.)

Snap Back to Reality.

Hey Abyss,

Many discoveries were made last week. I think the one that had the most impact on me was being put on the spot for not knowing my lines. That seems like a basic thing, an actor knowing their lines, but for some reason I have always struggled with memorizing text. Not a good quality to have in an actor, but it is not the worst thing. I can honestly tell you I have never gone on stage not knowing my lines, I have always managed to get everything down before we open, it just seems to takes me a lot longer than everyone else. Being at NTS has certainly enabled me to get better at locking the words in my brain by offering me a bounty full of approaches to do just that. 

I felt I had been doing well with my text for Midsummer Nights Dream and therefore over the last week, in anticipation for the weekend (which I will get into in a moment) did not do what is necessary for myself for the last part of my text. And, as it should, it came back to bite me. 

A few weeks ago I was offered a lead part in a short film that was being shot in Halifax, by a well known Actor/Director, named Jeremy Webb. His company’s previous film Wake garnered some notable attention in the festival circuit and was being back by CBC, not a bad combo. When the role was offered to me I clarified that the only way I could fly home and do it was to get the permission from my superiors at the school. So, I proceeded that Monday to acquire all the approval I needed, which was graciously given and I agreed to do the short that weekend. The plan was to fly home Thursday night and fly back Monday morning. So I would only miss two days of classes. 

Everything seemed to flow perfectly until Thursday came and I kept flubbing through my lines in the final part of the play. And it was at this time when I was put on the spot, by my director. I had been working extremely hard on my text, but due to the excitement of the weekend I failed to give it the added time I know it needed. This ultimately disappointed him, and made me feel like a complete schmuck, especially considering his generosity. He was harsh and to the point, and it was that snap back to reality that made me realize the lesson; Which was to focus on one thing at a time, and give it 150% of my energy. This problem is something that has been an issue for a while with myself. And I think it took this situation to finally let it sink in. 

Do your best with what you have right now. Then when that is over, focus on the next thing. This is my mantra for the next while until I can calm down and just enjoy what is in front of me rather than worrying about what is coming next. It is difficult, but this is what I want for a career more than anything else, and so I have to let it flow. 

The stress from not knowing my lines and disappointing my director, lead to me heading to the airport 12 hours earlier than my flight was scheduled to leave and left me stranded there for 4 hours until a friend of mine came and picked me up. Again, if I had just read the itinerary of the flight and chilled, instead of thinking how I may have been blacklisted from the class, that would not have happened and I would have been 60 dollars richer. Once, I finally got back to Halifax, everything became clearer and I spent every bit of downtime I had on set memorizing those lines for Monday. I came back yesterday, having done what should have been done and it feels good to be free of that pressure. 

Filming over the weekend was great and reminded me of how much I love film as a medium. The team was wonderful and there was such an artistry behind the whole thing, which made me feel proud to be part of it. The atmosphere on set, even though we were rushed for time, was positive and happy. There was a specific moment I recall on the second day where I was talking to Jessica Marsh over lunch and the crew and other cast members were all playing music and singing together, and it was this moment that encapsulated the whole shoot for me. A bunch of talented people coming together to make art. It was beautiful. And I am extremely grateful to have been part of such a piece. 

The film is called Bone Deep, and if you hit the link you can read more about it. 

We are into tech week right now for MSND, and so I have some things that need to get done tonight before I hit the hay. 

Night Abyss