Confidence.

I had an audition Friday morning. This was my first live one in a while. I was contacted at 6am about going to the audition at 11:45am later that day. My agent informed me that this was a big casting director and it would be in my best interest to meet them. Despite it being 6:15am, I was pumped and grateful for the chance to meet said casting director. 

Unfortunately, getting sides 5 hours before an audition isn't the ideal situation. I tried my best to memorize what I could, but with 8 pages of text I settled on trying to make some bold choices and attempt to avoid looking at the pages the entire time. I drove out to the casting office and while waiting to go in, my nerves started. I started to pep talk myself, but felt entirely unprepared. When it was finally my time to go in, I tensed up and sped through the scenes with none of my minimally rehearsed choices and was in and out within 5 minutes. 

Fail.

All these excuses came surging through my brain, "If only I had more time. I wish I hadn't felt so rushed. There was too much pressure on this meeting. I didn't like the character anyway. I mean, I only got the sides this morning..." as I was driving away, I realized that none of these excuses were viable. They were just ways for me to avoid the truth: I lacked confidence, again.

This word. This feeling. This mindset; is my albatross. I have been grappling with it since first year at NTS. Prior to school, I didn't care what anyone thought of me, I knew who I was (or so I thought) and nothing was going to stop me from killing it every time I walked on stage. Having been smashed apart and slowly built back up at NTS, I'm still trying to reclaim that, once free, Wayne who would have done anything to get in front of people. I miss him; he is still inside me. Once I uncover him again, we can get on living the life he wants for me.

Granted, this was my 5th (in person) audition since graduation, so I have to give myself a break. I need a little more time to acclimate, that's normal. Nerves are normal they mean I care. I need to embrace their presence and breathe a little deeper.

Some of these rooms aren't the most inviting or coziest places to show ones work, but these rooms are not for artistry, they are for business. That's what I have to keep in mind. I have to be professional and perform the best I can in the medium that is "the audition". No one is going to make me comfortable, that is my responsibility. I have to take my space and, if necessary, wait until the reader is with me; treat them as my scene partner. If my scene partner were rushing through dialogue and not connecting with me I would stop and ask them what was happening, or simply look at them until I am ready to speak. I put time into the piece; I deserve to do it the way I want.

Working on Olympus has taught me many things, but one of the biggest is how much confidence affects my work. When I walk onto set now I know what I'm doing, I know my character, I've done my homework, I know my lines inside and out, I know all the crew... it's a completely comfortable environment. Sure, there are days where I have to bare my soul to strangers, but I know that more or less they are all there with me, at the very least the director is. The set has become my home. I have to do the same with the audition room. I need be true to me and let my work shine through. I'm a well-trained, intelligent, talented actor so why am I not letting them see what I can do?

Fear? Doubt? Rejection? These things that have no place in my work. They need to be exorcized out of me then doused in nitroglycerin and smashed into thousands of unidentifiable pieces. 

From now on I will no longer succumb to the aforementioned. I will be brave, confident and specific in my choices. I will execute with passion and focus; my life depends on it.

****

I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine. I don't have a project coming up upon my return to Toronto so I'm excited to have time to establish said routine, while finally doing some things I have been putting off for years. Like learning how to play piano, cooking killer breakfasts, and getting my voice back in shape.

I've been obsessed with tight choreography lately and want to experience some live. I watched Pina last night and had forgotten how much dance speaks to my soul. I'm working on writing a play, while  developing some performance ideas. I want to meet more artists in my community, I want to collaborate on projects and ultimately get back in touch with my creativity. Through that I will rediscover "confident Wayne", who's been waiting to play for a while now.  

W.