Evaluation.

Hey Abyss,

This week has happened.

I head to Ottawa in 9 days and I feel like I don't know where the time has gone. It hasn't really hit me until this year; time just escapes when you aren't looking. I am preparing for the second stage of my summer which is going to consist of a lot of plane rides, directing, performing, meeting new people, exploring, watching Beyoncé and of course teaching. Basically in that order. The first part of the summer was supposed to be "down time" time to recollect on what has happened to me this term and how I can improve going into this year. Although I have done some recollection, I feel like most of the things I have been grappling with are going to fall into place once I am utilizing them all again.

It is so scary how quickly I can become lazy and abandon the practice they teach us at NTS, now this of course is due to a compilation of things; me being tired, lazy, wanting to escape...and so on. Lately my body has been giving me signs that is misses the schedules and the regulation. It craves the stretching and the warming up, despite how much I loathe them. I feel like this is part of the process though, if you continue to work on the things you hate eventually they become things you enjoy. The hardest part of this cycle is not just running away, but sticking with it, as hard as it is. Believing in the system.

The biggest challenge for me as a person/actor is listening. Frankly, I just don't do it. And by listening I mean all aspects: scene partners, myself, situations... I spent the weekend with one of my very close friends at my cottage which has no running water or electricity. All we had was a wood stove, a propane light, and clean water in a Gatorade cooler. The place is the epitome of serene. There was a moment, one evening, where he was very quiet and I asked him what he was thinking about, and he replied that he was purely listening. I asked him, "To what specifically" and he said, "All of the sounds. And each of them individually. The wood stove, the light, the clock, the ocean.." With that, I laid my head back on my chair and started to just listen for the sounds he mentioned. Almost instantly my mind cleared, like someone had taken a chalkboard eraser to my mind. It was peaceful, finally.

All year my teachers, my family, and my psychologist have all repeated the same things to me; LISTEN! And it took my closest friend in my cottage to actually let that hit for me. It was a revelation. If one can listen without judgement, to all things, then one can exist authentically. Everything that pours out of them is truth. There is no indulging, no pretending, just living. This word is my word for life, whenever I feel overwhelmed or chaotic, I have to take the time to simply listen.

I watched Inside the Actors Studio yesterday and it featured the cast of Mad Men. It was a great episode, all of those actors have come from such diverse backgrounds and have had extremely different routes to the show, it was inspiring. The one thing that stuck with me the most was Jon Hamm's response to a girls question from the audience. She asked him about how much rehearsal they get before shooting a scene. And he replied, "None. You are expected to come onto set knowing your lines and having done your research. You are coming into a well oiled machine and if you junk it up with tripping over your lines then you are replaced." He was talking about TV, but I think the rule applies to all mediums of acting. His frank statement really drove home what happened to me earlier this year in Snap Back to Reality, also this quote by Tom Hardy has resonated with me the last few days:

''Surviving is one thing. You can get through, you can white-knuckle. You can do the bare minimum. But there comes a time when life stops rewarding potential. If you want to participate on a certain level in anything, you cannot just turn up and be respected." 

These instances have really impacted me, and how I need to change up my approach. The things that have been working for me over the last 22 years are not going to work forever it is time to reevaluate.

On a lighter note I had an audition yesterday with a very nice girl. I felt okay about it, but who knows what will come of it. And Blackbird opened on over 50 screens in France yesterday!

I feel truly blessed to have the amount of support I do, thank you to all the readers for letting me unload my brain and evaluate myself in front of you. This blog is coming up on is 3rd year anniversary!

Night Abyss.

March happens to be a good month for me.

Hey Abyss,

These last two weeks have been amazing for me. Similar to last year, this month has proven to be a very cleansing period for me. My March Break was last week, and I worked almost everyday on prep for my Solo Show. I had forgotten what it was like to motivate myself and work on something that I am proud of. That sounds sad, but it isn't. I find myself forgetting to have fun and treat the work that we do at the school as my own, rather than an assignment I have to do.

Solo Show has been truly wonderful at this point in the year, we just came out of our first production where we as a class had to work together like a pseudo theatre company, which was an interesting first experience for some of us, and not as much for others. The whole thing (process. character development, etc.) was a mutual effort, rather than singular processes coming together. Everything is still a learning curve at this point for me, so no judgement. Solo Show is different, because it is completely singular and process based project. We write, perform and produce our own 15-20 minute show. Everyone in my class is doing something completely different, and are each having our own challenges to deal with in front of our directors/collaborators, Adam Lazarus and Jodi Essery.

The Solo Show project at NTS is a right of passage, and I give so much credit to Jodi and Adam for dedicating the time to all 13 of us (this includes the 2nd year playwrights) to make our shows what we want them to be. They truly deserve awards for the patience and attention span they both possess. My script was approved yesterday and I feel a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I consider myself a rather organized performer and can only deal with one thing at a time. I have perfected my character visually, and physically, so the next step for me was getting my script done.

Half of us will be performing on March 22nd and the other half is going on the 23rd. I am really excited to see the changes to my show over the course of the next week. The anticipation to see everyone else's pieces is killing me, because I know everyone is gonna kill it. I am going to keep my show a secret at this point. but will go into more detail after I perform.

Because my class spends so much time together, it is easy to fall into the thinking of "we know so much about each other and our performance abilities", but this project is an opportunity to show our classmates that we are capable of more than what they think, and also to challenge ourselves. I cannot wait to learn something new about everyone. We are all so different, and I tend to forget that sometimes.  When we all graduate we are going back to our communities and what dreams we have in mind, we are not mutually going back together.

This thought occurred to me today; There is no sense in comparing yourself to other people because you can actually never be them. You may be able to emulate them visually, or in their mannerisms. But there is something special about each an everyone of us, and we all fit a particular role, ourselves. The issue that a lot of actors face is whether that niche is what the Casting Directors are looking for. The artists that are prevalent now, have a certain personality or image that works for them and it is the public wants to see. (e.g. Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Ryan Gosling, etc.). But the desire for their personalities will fade, and their talent will hopefully remain, especially these people.

I guess what I am trying to say is that, perhaps who you are isn't what people are looking for right now, but that doesn't mean they never will. Trends change, people become disinterested. Casting Directors are always looking for something fresh. This idea gives me hope, that if I stay true to myself and what I love, then maybe someday someone will notice me for it. And by me trying to be Ryan Gosling, or Tom Hardy is not going to make "it happen" for me any quicker. If they wanted those guys they would hire them. I have to offer me and my passion. No one else's. And Solo Show is really opening my eyes to the fact that I have more to offer than just doing a good job on cold reads, I have something that could be exactly what someone needs, and I need to own it and not wait for other people's opinions of me to act on what I love.

I want to do what inspires me, I don't want to spend the rest of my career trying to be someone else -- the trend of the week. And so I am going forward with a clear mind, and will do what I do best; being me.

Night Abyss.

If you are interested in attending the two day show add yourself to the guest list!
Solo Show!

Off With His Hair!

Hey Abyss,

This week has blazed by; we do our first performance of The Seagull on Tuesday.

I cannot believe it.

I am really excited to see how it goes. Things have been really great for me, personally, this week. I have had a lot of epiphanies and it has made my trajectory a lot more clear.

I have finally received a mentor, who does the actual job of mentoring me. As well as being surrounded by throughly supportive teachers that have seen what I am capable of and what is holding me back as an artist. With the advice from these people over the last two weeks I have been uncovering a lot about my process and who I am/want to be in the classroom.

Sometimes we need to be shown our faults, so that we can make them our assets.

I am still learning how to stay in the unknown/confusing aspects of my education, but it is a difficult thing to do. I know that by me being resilient and forcing myself to accept challenges on a daily biases, I will become stronger in my craft.

Working with Tanja Jacobs has been great. She has challenged me in a lot of ways and also allowed me to do the things that I am good at, a nice combination. Although looking back I wish I had allowed myself to be challenged more rather than receding into the work that fulfils me at the moment. She is a wonderful actress, and is really direct, which is what I need. As I tend to be a procrastinator, and skate around what actually needs to be done, and awful habit to have in school.

I have also found myself being two types of performers: There is "School Wayne" and "Life Wayne" and they both are part of me, but I need "Life Wayne" to combine with "School Wayne" to make the most out of my education.

I sound absolutely crazy, but essentially "School Wayne" is lazy and more concerned with social aspects. Whereas "Life Wayne" is a driven, focused but practical actor. And so basically these two need to fuse like a Yu-Gi-Oh Card.

As for the title tonight, I am shaving my head. Its for my role in The Seagull, but it has been a while since I have done it and I am slightly nervous heading into it, sorry for the pun. Below is all I need to make this night a success.

So, I am going to proceed with that and will be posting the before and after pictures to my Tumblr and Twitter!

Night Abyss. 

Gos-Wiig Week

Hey Abyss,

This week has been an interesting one, as it always seems to be.

The theme of my life: interesting. 

I need to find less stale and more enticing words to preface my entires.

Seriously.

This week I have been inspired by Kristen Wiig and the Gos, as per usual. The unusual one, the operative word being unusual, is Andy Kaufman. You see, my parents bought me the first season of Saturday Night Live for Christmas and I have, clearly, been watching it. Andy Kaufman was a guest star for a little bit at the beginning of the show and he really interested me and so I started to search around and read about him a bit. He was an interesting, er, fascinating guy. I watched the Golden Globe winning film Man on the Moon with Jim Carey about Mr. Kaufman's life last night and was so engrossed with the career this guy had. Truly remarkable. It's a shame that he died so young.

I was telling my girlfriend today, before I went to see Gangster Squad tonight (which I enjoyed very much), that I have these 6 people in my life that consistently inspire me but the limelight fluctuates each week; Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor, Ryan Gosling and Kristen Wiig. I truly admire them all so much as not only actors but what images and associated art accompanies them.  I feel that they embody everything that I want to be as a person and an artist.

My class and I have been working with the world renowned director Lazlo Marton (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/László_Marton_(director)) this week and will continue for the next two. I have been truly enlightened by him, he is so remarkable and I walk away from the class being both frustrated and knowing what I need to do. He is very much about teaching us how to be prepared actors for our futures and how we can develop our minds by ourselves and the questions and practices we should be integrating into our daily work as actors.

He is teaching us how to be prepared for rehearsal and to use our own experiences and emotions to fuel our individual interpretations of characters. His broken english almost provides more clarity in situations because of the blunt nature that it spoken. He is such a kind man and only wants the best for us as young performers and I feel truly honoured to be working with someone who is humble enough to come and bestow his knowledge on us.

Someone said to me once that, " To become a better artist, you need to surround yourself with inspiring art..." or something like that. And I have truly been enjoying just that, no matter how simple it is. I get such gratification out of seeing and listening to things that I enjoy, which seems obvious, and on some level I grow from them into a more self directed artist and that is a really wonderful feeling.

This last week has provided me with many epiphanies and I am just revelling in them.

Night Abyss.