23.

Hey Abyss,

Today I am 23.

I was able to get out and have some fun last night, which was great. As I awoke this morning at 9am (after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels and 4 tequila shots) I realized that my youth was still intact. Even though I don't party very often, my body is still resilient, it was comforting.

After feeling this surge of youth it dawned on me how much needs to be done before I graduate. I have less than a month to get things in order and prepare myself for a location and lifestyle shift. So, with all that life stuff on my mind I felt it best to get out of the house and avoid doing any of it. Montreal was beautiful this morning and it reminded me of how remarkable the Summers are here.

I just want it to be warm. I want to go swimming at the beach. I want to drink Heineken and barbecue. I want to lay in sun all day; reading all of the books I have accumulated, but haven't had the time to enjoy. I want to see my friends and hear about their lives. I want to be in Toronto. I want to work. I want to start my new life. I want to be a working actor again. I want money. Money for food, music and fashion. I want to be rich and buy the clothes I want--wow, things escalated fast there. I know I keep saying this but I am so ready to move. I am in this state where I just want to start packing and be as ready as I can for when that gate door unlocks and the race begins.

I feel like Lizzie McGuire's Mom in that episode from season 2 where she goes bargain hunting.

Hand me one of those blue energy drinks and let me fight for the good stuff; my career.

Rehearsals have been going really well. I put my foot in my mouth at the start of this process by arrogantly saying that I was not scared of my character and that I didn't think it would be that much of a shift from who I am in real life. Needless to say that pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. It was cocky of me to think that I wouldn't be challenged in this role. I am eating my words now as this week I was up against some deeply personal things and really working hard to acknowledge those fears and move past them. Everyone on the team is doing great work and I am striving to be up to par. One of the challenges of being an actor is really digging into these vulnerable places and finding or rediscovering parts of yourself, then bringing it to life and living in that scary or forgotten place. This role is opening me up to new ways of thinking and I am deeply enjoying it despite the momentary discomfort.

I would rather be challenged than comfortable. I know I am on the right track when it is scary and difficult. Why would I want to do anything but that. An actor's job isn't easy. Or at least I think it shouldn't be. Constantly being in a state of unknown and having to trust what is happening around you is a huge lesson to learn as a person in one life time. To keep learning it every time one approaches a role requires a lot of stamina and self awareness. One has to be deeply in touch with themselves, and I can't wait to keep digging.

Not this week, but the week following I have an audition in Toronto and I am starting to prepare this week. I have a huge support system and I really want to use it. I am excited about the possibility of getting the part and am going to work diligently on nailing every aspect of it. My thought is: as long as I feel I did my absolute best in the room than I have succeeded. It's just another opportunity to build a person and present them.

This post is a little shorter than usual because all the things I have put off doing all day actually need to be done. Even writing this entry is procrastinating.

I want to thank all of the readers for being so loyal to this blog. Last week Would-Be reached over 10,000 views. This has been a 3-year project so far and I cannot wait to see how it picks up as I enter the real world and get back into the game.

Keep reading.

Night Abyss.

Escape

Hey Abyss,


Today was one of the first days over the last month that I have had time to myself. Clearly.

I have been all over the map both figuratively and literally lately and haven't had a good chunk of time to sit down and write something cohesive. Here I sit, drinking a smoothie and listing to Alabama Shakes (pun intended), and I am going to try and stay focussed enough to give a full report of what I has happened lately.

First things first, it needs to be Spring. I am tired of Winter. I find myself perpetually in long underwear and 3 layers of clothing. And frankly, there is only so many times I can wear the same sweater before I feel like cartoon and not a young man who has invested in his wardrobe.

From March 16th to the 22nd my class and I were in Toronto filming a short that was directed by Paul Gross, it was a stellar project for me. I was the "lead" character in the film which was a challenge for me in many ways: It was great to feel what it is like to hold a film, to constantly be on screen and how to develop an arch throughout the shoot. It was something that I haven't had the opportunity to do in any of the shows here at the school so it was great to finally feel that. Paul was a great director for me and had a very clear idea of what he wanted from me and the character which helped me to solidify my own ideas of who the character was. I was on set for about 36 hours out of the 3 days we were shooting and it wasn't really until the final day of shooting that I felt back at home on set and felt confident in what I was doing. Although it hasn't been THAT long since I was on a film set it was a different vibe, as each one is. The crew was fantastic and were all really great people who genuinely wanted to create something meaningful. Everyone was positive and seemed to be enjoying their job. All of the crew were professional and had worked with Paul on one occasion or another, so it really allowed us as a class to focus on our process and how to adjust to this "new medium".

I struggled the most with the idea of trusting that my work was coming through on camera. There were moments where Paul would get frustrated because it seemed like I couldn't follow simple directions like: "slow down and then when you get to the pole run across the street." When what was happening in my mind was that I had become so preoccupied with staying true to the character that I would hear the direction but then not be able to execute it. It's seems simple. and it is once I started trusting that my work was shining through. Eventually on the third day of filming, and one of the final shots of the day I found a connection with the camera, suddenly we were in sync and I discovered the rush that comes from playing with the camera. I didn't have to worry about anything anymore I just lived, as the character, and was aware of the camera. Instead of ignoring it or being scared of it.

Paul is such an awesome resource and an extremely generous man, who just made the whole experience that much more incredible. To know how much respect he has for the art and the people involved with crafting it was really inspiring. Here is a man that is one of Canada's darlings who has had a long and lucrative career still excited about what he does and has positive and insightful stories.   I really appreciated him taking the time that he did to prepare me for the industry and inform me of my habits and how to get them under wraps so I can push through and get what I want. After we wrapped, Paul took us to see what goes into the editing process and I was blown away by the amount of work that is required in post production. It, again, humbled me and made me realize how small my part is in the birth of a film. Looking back, I gained even more respect for all the aspects and energies that go into making a film, even a 15 minute one.

The few nights that I had to myself in Toronto, I got such a pleasure out of walking around the streets and imagining myself there in a few months. As I have said, I certainly don't want to rush my last few weeks here at the school, but at the same time I am ready to jump head first into the industry and never look back. I am anxious to meet new people and hear about other things besides the school and the drama within each class, including my own. I am tired of popularity contests and having to always get the right answer. I am tired of competing. Whether it is in my mind or not, I am exhausted with trying to give the most intellectual answers, and be the most clever person in the room all the time. I am tired of there constantly being a double edged sword; some people can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, but as soon as I do it's too far. I want to be separate from the unit that is my class. I want freedom, I want a life of my own. Every time I have been in Toronto over the last year I have gotten so excited about the possibilities that await me there.

This is not to say that I am not proud of my classmates, I am. Watching them on camera filled me with pride. Everyone in my class is talented, thats never been a question, but it is difficult to be surrounded by someone who might like you one day and have no patience for you the next. I feel like I am in a constant state of adaptation and I just want to be me, in all my forms, not just the ones that accommodate others. I am anxious to get out, but at the same time know that once I leave I will be wanting the security of these walls back. The schedule, although intense, is comforting. The student loans, although accumulating, make life easy.

This week we started our individual rehearsals for the New Words Festival, our class is divided and we work on the plays written by the 2 graduating playwrights. I am in The Circle, written by Geoffrey Brown and is being directed by Ann-Marie Kerr. I have been wanting to work with Ann-Marie for some time now, as she lives in Halifax and is married to Anthony Black, who in my opinion is one of the strongest artists in the maritimes. Rehearsal has been going wonderfully, Ann-Marie is so energetic and excited about the possibilities of this project and her positivity resonates with all of us in the cast. She makes me feel comfortable and able to just try things, rather than fitting into a box or getting things right. I have a lot of confidence that the piece is going to really mess with peoples expectations of both Geoff, as a writer, and the cast. I am really excited to cap my education off with a stellar show and well developed character and I know that Ann-Marie is leading us down that path.

I have made a lot of discoveries over the last few months and will hopefully have more time to chronicle them more regularly in the next few. I have singed with Lorraine Wells & Company in Toronto and both her and I are anxious to get my career in gear. I am working hard to get myself to the city as soon as possible post graduation, and that is where my journey will continue.

I am ready to escape.

Night Abyss


P.S. If you missed Bone Deep at the Atlantic Film Festival or have yet to see it at all, you can hop over to CBC and see the performance which garnered me an ACTRA Maritime Award nomination for Best Actor. I am extremely proud of this film and hope that you enjoy it.

http://www.cbc.ca/download/

This film was recently accepted into the NSI Online Short Film Festival, and who knows what will happen next!

The Beginning of the End (It's a Long One).

Hey Abyss,

I apologize for the lack of posts recently, honestly this is the first day that I have had to myself since I came back from Christmas Break. A lot has happened, and I am continuing to make discoveries everyday. I'm gonna be honest; this post, if you have yet to see the length, is a long one.

When I arrived back in Montreal, I went to see a show called Iceland written by Nicolas Billon and Directed by Ravi Jain (who directed me in Lion in the Streets earlier this year). I was blown away by the simplicity of the show, which consisted of minimal lights and sound, three chairs and three actors with perfect costumes. There was something so beautiful about the three of them just telling the same story from their different points of view. After the show finished, I walked away so full. It has been such a long time since I have left a theatre production wanting to tell every person I see about it. All aspects were so on point, I was mesmerized by everything. Seeing this show also made me think about my own work and how things do not need to be complicated to tell a good story, in fact if one has a good story to tell one doesn't need all the tricks to keep people interested. The actors were so comfortable and real I honestly just wanted to spend all night with them, regardless of their personalities.

Seeing this was a perfect way to start the beginning of the end. Classes started the following day and there was an energy about my class that I have been looking forward to for a long time. There was a calmness about walking into movement class that monday morning. I have spent three years with these people, they have seen me at my best and worst, and likewise I have seen them. Everything we do from now until the end of the year is the last time we do it, and I really want to make sure that I am making the most of everything. I feel confident about my place in the class and I am tired of wasting energy on keeping up appearances with my classmates. I am in a very "take it or leave it" state right now and I just want to focus, and have fun these few months.

Our first project of the term was preparing for our Theatre Ontario showcase, which happened in Toronto at the Young Centre a few weeks ago. Essentially, it's a showcase for all the graduating acting students from theatre schools in and around Toronto. We all perform pieces for some of the top agencies, artistic directors and casting directors in the country, and we hope that they will take interest in us an give us a job. Afterwards, some students are contacted and others aren't. With over 350 students performing in two days, it would be difficult to remember who is who. I had an awesome time and met a lot of really cool people, but the project for me was ultimately about working with our two awesome coaches (Brendan Healy and Ian Watson) on monologue prep.

Working on monologues with Brendan and Ian was so liberating, and really brought me back to the fundamentals of acting. This year for me, so far, has been all about application. I have been exposed to so many ways into the work and now the people that are being brought in are helping us to apply our tools in the most effective and result oriented ways. Learning how to choose a monologue is so essential and I feel like after working with these two for two weeks I have a lot more confidence in what pieces can show me well and how to build a little portfolio of pieces.

While in Toronto, we auditioned for Paul Gross and Deirdre Bowen for an upcoming short film that Paul will be directing us in. It was such an awesome experience to meet Deirdre as she is one of the top casting directors in Canada. She was so candid and honest with us about what she expects and looks for. There was something so beautiful about her describing her job as "a storyteller" she is constantly looking for the person best suited to "Tell the Story". This example really cemented for me that getting a no is not a rejection of who I am, but that I am not the person who is meant to tell this story. The whole weekend was such a whirlwind and I saw and met so many people, I was in a state of euphoria and it made me even hungrier to get to Toronto and hit the ground running.

Upon our return, we started rehearsal for The Changeling, a Jacobean tragedy, which is being directed by the legendary David Latham; who I can honestly say is a theatre god. He has such a huge capacity for language, teaching and is remarkably specific. I have been waiting all year to work with him, and honestly (being three weeks in) I'm getting my money's worth. I was given an extremely difficult character, in my opinion, and David is constantly pushing me further and further into the creation and specificity of this man who is rather repugnant and without morals, who I am slowly learning how to love.

In the last few weeks I have had some really hard days; I have gotten frustrated, panicked, come home exhausted, needing to cry, cried, felt like no one understood me, felt that everyone else was clearing having an easier, less intense time, got angry at my cats for existing, spent hours memorizing, and re-reading my scenes, breathed and realized that this is what I love more than anything.  And it dawned on me; THIS is acting!  No one ever said that is was going to be easy, it should be a challenge. I am striving to become another person for a moment in time, all of their lives up to that point I must feel in my bones, everything they say has to come from my mouth and mind. I have to be truthful and honest for them to have life.  There will be internal and moral conflict, there will be artistic blocks and lack of creativity, but I have to know that this is the work and to allow myself to fail and try again. To prove the I am capable, but know that I am not perfect and will struggle, ideally.

And I think this is where my biggest problem lies; most of the time I have been able to rest on my laurels and "get by". People will laugh and enjoy my performance, the emphasis on perform, but have never allowed myself to fully explore the inner being of my characters, specifically at the school. Perhaps because I was stubborn and just wanted to do what I knew I could do, which is perform, but as this is an acting school at some point I had to act. To be honest, I want to be an actor, not just a performer, so I am not looking at any of this as a bad thing, instead I am seeing it as growth and becoming more confident in my abilities. My talent has always been there, its truly just specializing it.

Working with David, Brendan and Ian has forced me to work harder than I have in years, by way of actually consuming the text on a regular basis and weaving it into my whole being. For such a long time I have attempted to "put a character on" but when I actually invest in what the text is telling me about said character and make the focus about looking inward and revealing them and myself, things end up being so much more connected, deeper and truthful. That is how I can honestly bring someone to life, and also discover the many facets of myself.

Although this character is very dark and demented, I have confidence that in the next few weeks I will fall in love with him and I will eventually find the release in being him. I cannot think of a better combination of things right now in my education, I feel so heavy and it is a good thing. I am understanding what it is like to be in process and allow myself to just keep swinging until I break down the glass barrier between me and the character.

Life is good. I love being an artist, and all that I have control over is the ability to keep making good work and surround myself with people who are positive and push me to do great things.

Check out my little demo reel ---> Click Here.

Night Abyss.