Back to the Hood of Things.

Hey Abyss,

I want it to be known that I have attempted to write entries throughout these last few weeks chronicling the process of working on Our Countrys Good. Needless to say, my computer either messed up before I could save the entry, or I was tired, or I just couldn't think of anything reflective to say, etc. What I also want to be known is that this process has cracked me open in a way that I have been waiting for since second term of first year.

Better late than never.

Perhaps it was exactly what I needed; to be MIA for this process and really just allow it to permeate my brain and body rather than trying to put it into words. We have our preview tomorrow at the Monument National and I'm really excited to finally show an audience what we have been working on. As you may have read, I was extremely excited for this process to begin and I can honestly say I am not disappointed at all.

In short, I feel like I rediscovered why I love what I do. I found the fun in performing again. The freedom that comes by truly existing as another person, and how that momentary escape is addictive.

In long, it has been quite the journey so far and I am so happy that I am coming to terms with many of the issues I have had here. These last two years have been a struggle for me personally and artistically. I was recalling how confident I felt auditioning for the school and how I knew that I had something to offer, and that no one was going to stop me from achieving my dreams. Soon after getting in and meeting my class I saw how talented everyone was and became extremely judgmental and self-abusive. This kind of attitude stopped me from doing the work I loved, I would spend all of my energy in a competitive headspace and avoid looking inward and seeing how I could improve.

This summer I had many breakthroughs, which I have spoke about in previous posts. It was a very reflective and educational period for me and it has thankfully bled into this term. I am still in a state of reflection, as I am still discovering how to use every situation to discover something about myself and allow it to feed my work. There was a moment during this process (working on Our Countrys Good) where I became frustrated with myself because I knew what Tadeusz (our Director) was trying to get out of me, but for some reason I could not pull it out. It came down to the simple fact that I was over thinking and analyzing everything he was suggesting, rather than revelling in the ideas he had put forth. I was making my performance too precious. It was like I was holding an animal, but instead of just cuddling it I was squeezing it and it became uncomfortable and attempted to escape. It was only a few weeks ago I started to loosen my grip on the character and really let him live, but also loosen the grip on my expectations. It was then that I started to discover the pleasure in being him, and it has serendipitously brought back my passion and love for theatre, live performance, and attempt at being truly entertaining.

I feel so blessed to have had this moment and I can't wait to spend all week with Robert Sideway, but I can't help but ask myself, "why did it take me so long to rediscover what I had before coming to this school?" The conclusion I have come to is simply that I needed to be blown apart before I could be built back up. I had come to acting as a kid as a form of escapism and avoidance of difficult times in my life. And now that I have sunk to the lowest point, thus far, and re-evaluated who I am as a human I can approach acting from a healthier more self aware way. I never used to care about judgement or failure before coming to school, and I deeply want to exit it the same way.

My mom once said to me, "How can you play another person if you don't know yourself?" It has taken me until this point to truly feel what this means. Of course people want to be aware of themselves and confident in who they are, but to actually get on the path that will lead you there is hard to find. The month of November was a difficult one for me to get through in many facets, but at the same time it has been the most transformative and insightful this year. The progress that I have been wishing for is finally starting to happen and I am greeting it with open arms.

I apologize for not being more explicit with my process throughout the rehearsal, but I felt that the above was something that I really needed to say.

If you are going to be around Montreal for the next week I highly recommend paying 9 bucks to see Our Countrys Good playing from the 10th-14th at the Monument National.

The premiere of Bone Deep was moved from November 16th to an unknown date. Hopefully a new date will be reassigned soon. I am really excited to share it.

If you have yet to see Blackbird you can now buy or rent it on iTunes.

Now to get some rest.

Night Abyss.

Photo Credit: Stephen Tracey

Doubt.

Hey Abyss,


Tomorrow I, along with my class, will be heading into rehearsal for the second show of our graduate season: Our Country's Good by Timberlake Weretenbaker. I am not really sure why, but I am extremely excited for this process. My class and I had the opportunity to see Tadeusz Bradecki's work at the Shaw Festival earlier this year, as he also directed Guys & Dolls. I had a blast at the show, and perhaps that is why I am so excited to work with him. Although, there is a difference between a 1950's musical and a historical piece that is set in 1788, Australia.

This week we were working with Jackie Maxwell, who is the Artistic Director of the Shaw Festival, on scenes from Three Sisters. The class was intended more for the 2 directing program students, and focused on balancing crowds on the stage through dynamic and relationships, which in turn continues to feed the actors. It was an interesting experience and helped me to not just see my relationship to the other characters, but also the big picture and how there can be a domino effect. Working with Jackie was great. She is super chill and really easy to talk to, which surprised me. Personally, I have always been rather intimidated by AD's, so that fact that she was extremely approachable and kind made working with her a breeze and began to debunk my theories.

Her class was the only one we had which made it a pretty lax week, in terms of NTS. We finally got a full two day weekend after  Lion in the Streets and we had another one this weekend, which I assume was to be used to prep for Our Country's Good. Needless to say, I used the time to breathe and actually get some of my "everyday" things done.

This past Friday, the student body went to the Monument National to be privy to the reception of this years winners of the Gascon-Thomas Awards: Colm Feore and Suzanne Lebeau. Both of them are extremely inspiring and talented artists and if you don't know who they are, I recommend clicking their names and finding out.

Colm said some really pertinent things, in his seemly improvised speech, that have continued to resonate with me over the weekend. He spoke about preparedness in the young actor, and how it is essential for survival to be constantly honing your craft. How at any moment one must be ready to do what is asked. That is the key to getting work and having longevity. One must invest and prove that they are capable and ready. 

Honestly, I couldn't agree more with him.

But as I nodded my head in compliance with his bold and energetic speech, I came to the realization that I needed to work harder. Now, I always work hard in the moment, that has never been a problem whether on stage or behind the camera. The work that Colm was speaking about was when no one is looking, when there is no one to be accountable to other than yourself and your bank account. And in that moment listening to Colm, I saw how lazy I can be. In the past, I have blamed it on the busy schedule we have at the school, or that I am tired and have other things that need my focus. But actually, nothing needs my focus more than my career. And that is the truth.

Along with this acceptance of my lazy tendencies, I have also accepted that I need to stop doubting myself as an actor. It is a continued process of relinquishing control, and now running along side that is my abandon of self doubt. There is nothing wrong or arrogant with knowing that I have something to offer, that I have talent. I can accept that I may not know what my artistic vision is yet, or what deeply motivates me to create, but I do know that I have something unique to bring to the table and I am good at what I do, which is being an actor. And accepting that is a huge step. I have doubted my abilities and strengths since first year, and it is only now that I can see that I do have them, and I am special, despite the cliché of that sentence.

Heading into Our Country's Good with this state of mind, and my excitement for the work that is to be done with this show makes me feel extremely confident about the next few months and my progression in my final year at NTS.

As my conversation ended with Colm he said to me, "When we meet again, make sure to remind me that we met here in the lobby of the Monument." I replied, "Don't worry, I will."

Great News: All the Wrong Reasons had it's Canadian theatrical release and is playing in all the major cities make sure you get out to see this amazing film featuring the Canadian talents of Karine Vanesse, Emily Hampshire, Kevin Zegers and the late Cory Monteith. Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for yours truly. You can check locations here --> Showtimes

Also, as a reminder, on Novemeber 16th, BONE DEEP will premiere on CBC for your watching pleasure, and it will be uploaded to iTunes later that day if you don't have cable. I was nominated for an ACTRA award for my performance, so if you like me, you might like the film!

Night Abyss.

It's Morphing Time.

Hey,

These last few weeks have been insane with getting Lion in the Streets up, so I apologize for the lack of inner thoughts from me lately.

Not to worry, you will get your fill right now!

We had our preview tonight and it went well, considering how nervous I was. I am really looking forward to the run this week, I feel like my classmates and I have really risen to the challenge of this piece and are doing phenomenal work. I'm really proud of the show. I find the longer I spend with something, a play, a character, the more love I feel towards it. This play is a really hard one to love because of all the atrocity, but I have grown really fond of it. Ravi has been excellent to work with, his young energy has been really refreshing in the room. He has really made this show work visually, his confidence in his ideas really allowed us to play, which I, personally, don't feel we have had the opportunity to do in a show yet.  I really wouldn't have wanted this process to be anything than what it was. It has been an amazing opportunity to work with Ravi, and I hope it isn't the last time.

Starting out this year, I was really aiming to open myself up to processes and just be calm. I am discovering success in both of theses avenues. It has been such a relief to stop worrying about things I cannot control, of course there are going to be things that bother me, or irritate me. But, overall it's just been so relaxing to leave school at school and come home and live my life for me. Before, I found myself needing to do all this meaningless research and putting my energy into stressing about class drama instead of actually working and focusing on what was needed at that time. This year, I come home and I work for a bit and then I relax and enjoy. It seems simple but it has given me so much freedom. I will always have control issues, I am an Aries, but that doesn't mean that I can't let go of the things that I really have no say in. And accepting that has been a huge step for me.

I feel really happy and healthy this year, I promised that I would take care of myself Mind, Body, Spirit and I have been! It has been so great to simple focus on those things, when you take care of yourself: eating well, exercising regularly, etc. you feel the benefits quickly, seriously. It has feed my work and made me relax in a lot of departments. As cheesy as it sounds, I am becoming the person I have wanted to be for the last 2 years. And I cannot think of a better time to come into my own. This year is already blazing by and I can honestly say I am only worried about one thing, and that is what happens after.

Over the last few weeks, I have been asked, "So...what are the plans after you graduate? "This is a pretty normal question, but the problem is I seriously don't have an answer. I have no sweet clue what is happening after I graduate. There are obviously things that I am interested in and projects I would love to be a part of, but once this year ends I have to uproot myself from Montreal and pick where I take my stuff. It is daunting. I'm aware that I can only take it one day at a time and just keep sending out my antenna for possible opportunities, but it is the one thing that is regularly on my mind and what truly worries me most. In the end, all I can do is good work,  and eventually someone will take notice. What's encouraging is that I am good at something that I feel passionate about, and all of the other students that graduate this year are in the same boat "What happens after?"

So, at least I am not alone.

Speaking of not being alone, if you have live/know anyone who lives in Montreal, please spread the word about the show. You can get all the details from the link above. The more people we have at our performances the better an experience this year will be. I am so excited to see how the run goes and what things will change and grow. This year is shaping up wonderfully. I am blessed.

In recent news, I was nominated for Best Actor in a Short Film at the ACTRA awards a few weeks ago, I felt so honoured to be up against some veterans in the industry and that people thought highly enough of my performance in Bone Deep to nominate me. It would have been nice to win, but losing so someone who inspires you isn't really a loss. In my eyes, it was an honour, and I still have many more opportunities to show my skills ahead of me.

Bone Deep is premiering on CBC November 16th, and will be uploaded to iTunes to rent or purchase later that day!

All the Wrong Reason's played in Montreal last week and I was so upset that I had to miss it, but tech week for the show was extremely demanding (time-wise). It is so wonderful that it's getting attention, it is truly deserving of it. Also, if you missed the opportunity to see Blackbird, my previous film, you can now buy it on iTunes by clicking here: http://blackbirdthefilm.com/screenings/

If you live in Parrsboro, Nova Scotia you can see Blackbird on the big screen as part of the Parrsboro Film Festival this weekend!

That is all for now,

Night Abyss.