C U in 4, Mom.

On Friday, I saw Mies Julie by Yael Farber at Place-des-Arts. I was blown away by the whole theatrical experience and am still thinking about what I witnessed that night. The raw energy and emotions had a huge impact on me and each actor’s performance resonated with me in its own intricate way. I was moved entirely by the performance of Zoleka Helesi, who played Christine; she was brilliant and broke my heart more than once.

Moms kill me. I love mine too much.

It was the kind of theatre I love: Raw, visceral, real and ultimately imitating life at its highest point, with a few stylistic moments. After seeing the show, some of The Circle cast and myself caught up with Bongile Mantsai, who played John. He gave some beautiful insights on his experience with theatre, as he feels he is more of a dancer, and working with Yael, who is a force of nature. He was extremely kind and especially generous with his time after such an exhausting show. Something he said has really sat with me, he said that he doesn't like "acting". He said, that if he feels like he is acting it isn't real for him. Makes sense. The work for him comes from simply being John. He said that when the role was presented to him, he told Yael that he did not want to "act" and she replied, she was not looking for an actor; she wanted someone who could be John. After seeing the show,  I can say that he did just that. When he spoke about this idea it brought some clarity to my own work. I find I can get frustrated with actors who need to discuss every detail of what is going on with their character and why they would do the things that the script is saying. I feel like it can get quite pedantic trying to figure out every rhyme or reason as to why someone would do something. Do we know why we do everything? No, so why is there such a need to figure out every character. I believe that my job is to bring the text to life, to make offers that work with the text and simply do what the text is saying my character does.

"Why would my character do this?" Because the script says they do, and in the case of a great director, trust that they know what they want and do what they ask for. I know it could be argued that I should feel free to voice my opinion and what I think my character might do, but what I took from Paul Gross and David Latham this year, was that my character is actually our character. We are building a living human together. So is it wrong to not fight them? Am I so bold as to think that I know more about this person that anyone else involved in the process? Who knows. What I do know is that as soon as I think I know who someone is, they usually surprise me. In life and on stage.

If acting is supposed to be imitating life, than that is my goal, to simply immerse myself in the writing and fully experience what the character does in each moment. Its funny, I forget who said this but, "...Actors rely on so many people for their job to even exist." Meaning: You have directors, playwrights, set, costume and lighting designers, all who create the world for the actor. Without these important people what are we really? Just people, standing there. Bare. So what makes us special from any other regular person? In my opinion, what separates actors from, say, office clerks is the ability to inhabit other people and convince someone that we are that person as well as being able to authentically fabricate (I'm aware of the oxymoron) an array of emotions. It's a hard job and whatever it takes to get into the skin and mind of that character is the process, but don't be so arrogant as to put that process on anyone else, especially other actors.

As I tend to do, I have been thinking about my life and what I actually want from it. I find that the more I talk to people who seem passionate about one particular aspect of acting, whether it is film or travelling around in a caravan putting on puppet shows for farm kids in the mountains, the more I realize I actually have no idea what I want. I love performing. I am learning how to be a better actor and starting to trust and explore my creation abilities. That being said, I still feel like I have yet to land on one specific thing that I want. Over the last few weeks I have been writing artistic statements as part of some summer program applications, and they have got me really digging deep into what actually motivates me as an artist. The one conclusion that I have come to is fear. I am afraid of not being able to do what makes me happiest. I am afraid of becoming stale and unable to book any work that excites or impassions me, or at the very least; pays my rent. I am afraid of all my work amounting to nothing and me having to resort to slaving away at a Joe job because I couldn't get my career off the ground. I am afraid of being that 34 year old hipster guy who reads his poetry from a dirty moleskin to a bunch of 20 year olds who are snapping their fingers at anyone who farts and wears a beret. Yes, that is the epitome of hell for me.

Sitting here, writing this, all I want for myself is to be happy. To live my dreams. Having enough notoriety that I get a choice in what projects I want to be a part of. Having enough credibility that people hire me for my energy and enjoy being around me. To be valued, and diverse, to always surprise people and myself, to be a dad someday and have enough money to support that kid. Maybe and actor isn't the best profession for that last goal, but why not? I have seen so many artists at the school that have families and solid relationships and they have not had to sacrifice their career, they just make it work. I've accepted that I am always going to be poor, but I am going to look damn good being poor, and so will my potential baby. I am not searching for fame, but if fame allows me to be part of amazing projects then so be it. I want the best for myself and I will fight to have it. That's the best I can do.

Things are very quickly wrapping up here in Montreal. My 3-year journey is coming to a speedy end and I am looking back with a smile on all the things that have gotten me to this point. 9 extremely talented and different people surround me. New Words has divided us, and over theses last few weeks I have really felt the separation. I can sense, from everyone, the need to start new chapters, and move forward into our adult lives, yet at the same time experiencing the loss of our family who has managed to go through hell and back over the last 3 years. No one makes me angrier or more proud than these people; I cannot wait for this week to start and have our shows playing together in harmony. Broken legs for everybody.

This is it: let the final week begin.

Night Abyss.

Escape

Hey Abyss,


Today was one of the first days over the last month that I have had time to myself. Clearly.

I have been all over the map both figuratively and literally lately and haven't had a good chunk of time to sit down and write something cohesive. Here I sit, drinking a smoothie and listing to Alabama Shakes (pun intended), and I am going to try and stay focussed enough to give a full report of what I has happened lately.

First things first, it needs to be Spring. I am tired of Winter. I find myself perpetually in long underwear and 3 layers of clothing. And frankly, there is only so many times I can wear the same sweater before I feel like cartoon and not a young man who has invested in his wardrobe.

From March 16th to the 22nd my class and I were in Toronto filming a short that was directed by Paul Gross, it was a stellar project for me. I was the "lead" character in the film which was a challenge for me in many ways: It was great to feel what it is like to hold a film, to constantly be on screen and how to develop an arch throughout the shoot. It was something that I haven't had the opportunity to do in any of the shows here at the school so it was great to finally feel that. Paul was a great director for me and had a very clear idea of what he wanted from me and the character which helped me to solidify my own ideas of who the character was. I was on set for about 36 hours out of the 3 days we were shooting and it wasn't really until the final day of shooting that I felt back at home on set and felt confident in what I was doing. Although it hasn't been THAT long since I was on a film set it was a different vibe, as each one is. The crew was fantastic and were all really great people who genuinely wanted to create something meaningful. Everyone was positive and seemed to be enjoying their job. All of the crew were professional and had worked with Paul on one occasion or another, so it really allowed us as a class to focus on our process and how to adjust to this "new medium".

I struggled the most with the idea of trusting that my work was coming through on camera. There were moments where Paul would get frustrated because it seemed like I couldn't follow simple directions like: "slow down and then when you get to the pole run across the street." When what was happening in my mind was that I had become so preoccupied with staying true to the character that I would hear the direction but then not be able to execute it. It's seems simple. and it is once I started trusting that my work was shining through. Eventually on the third day of filming, and one of the final shots of the day I found a connection with the camera, suddenly we were in sync and I discovered the rush that comes from playing with the camera. I didn't have to worry about anything anymore I just lived, as the character, and was aware of the camera. Instead of ignoring it or being scared of it.

Paul is such an awesome resource and an extremely generous man, who just made the whole experience that much more incredible. To know how much respect he has for the art and the people involved with crafting it was really inspiring. Here is a man that is one of Canada's darlings who has had a long and lucrative career still excited about what he does and has positive and insightful stories.   I really appreciated him taking the time that he did to prepare me for the industry and inform me of my habits and how to get them under wraps so I can push through and get what I want. After we wrapped, Paul took us to see what goes into the editing process and I was blown away by the amount of work that is required in post production. It, again, humbled me and made me realize how small my part is in the birth of a film. Looking back, I gained even more respect for all the aspects and energies that go into making a film, even a 15 minute one.

The few nights that I had to myself in Toronto, I got such a pleasure out of walking around the streets and imagining myself there in a few months. As I have said, I certainly don't want to rush my last few weeks here at the school, but at the same time I am ready to jump head first into the industry and never look back. I am anxious to meet new people and hear about other things besides the school and the drama within each class, including my own. I am tired of popularity contests and having to always get the right answer. I am tired of competing. Whether it is in my mind or not, I am exhausted with trying to give the most intellectual answers, and be the most clever person in the room all the time. I am tired of there constantly being a double edged sword; some people can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, but as soon as I do it's too far. I want to be separate from the unit that is my class. I want freedom, I want a life of my own. Every time I have been in Toronto over the last year I have gotten so excited about the possibilities that await me there.

This is not to say that I am not proud of my classmates, I am. Watching them on camera filled me with pride. Everyone in my class is talented, thats never been a question, but it is difficult to be surrounded by someone who might like you one day and have no patience for you the next. I feel like I am in a constant state of adaptation and I just want to be me, in all my forms, not just the ones that accommodate others. I am anxious to get out, but at the same time know that once I leave I will be wanting the security of these walls back. The schedule, although intense, is comforting. The student loans, although accumulating, make life easy.

This week we started our individual rehearsals for the New Words Festival, our class is divided and we work on the plays written by the 2 graduating playwrights. I am in The Circle, written by Geoffrey Brown and is being directed by Ann-Marie Kerr. I have been wanting to work with Ann-Marie for some time now, as she lives in Halifax and is married to Anthony Black, who in my opinion is one of the strongest artists in the maritimes. Rehearsal has been going wonderfully, Ann-Marie is so energetic and excited about the possibilities of this project and her positivity resonates with all of us in the cast. She makes me feel comfortable and able to just try things, rather than fitting into a box or getting things right. I have a lot of confidence that the piece is going to really mess with peoples expectations of both Geoff, as a writer, and the cast. I am really excited to cap my education off with a stellar show and well developed character and I know that Ann-Marie is leading us down that path.

I have made a lot of discoveries over the last few months and will hopefully have more time to chronicle them more regularly in the next few. I have singed with Lorraine Wells & Company in Toronto and both her and I are anxious to get my career in gear. I am working hard to get myself to the city as soon as possible post graduation, and that is where my journey will continue.

I am ready to escape.

Night Abyss


P.S. If you missed Bone Deep at the Atlantic Film Festival or have yet to see it at all, you can hop over to CBC and see the performance which garnered me an ACTRA Maritime Award nomination for Best Actor. I am extremely proud of this film and hope that you enjoy it.

http://www.cbc.ca/download/

This film was recently accepted into the NSI Online Short Film Festival, and who knows what will happen next!