On
Friday, I saw Mies Julie by Yael Farber at Place-des-Arts. I was
blown away by the whole theatrical experience and am still thinking about what
I witnessed that night. The raw energy and emotions had a huge impact on me and
each actor’s performance resonated with me in its own intricate way. I was
moved entirely by the performance of Zoleka Helesi, who played Christine; she
was brilliant and broke my heart more than once.
Moms
kill me. I love mine too much.
It
was the kind of theatre I love: Raw, visceral, real and ultimately imitating
life at its highest point, with a few stylistic moments. After seeing the show,
some of The Circle cast and myself caught up with Bongile Mantsai, who played
John. He gave some beautiful insights on his experience with theatre, as he
feels he is more of a dancer, and working with Yael, who is a force of nature.
He was extremely kind and especially generous with his time after such an
exhausting show. Something he said has really sat with me, he said that he
doesn't like "acting". He said, that if he feels like he is acting it
isn't real for him. Makes sense. The work for him comes from simply being John.
He said that when the role was presented to him, he told Yael that he did not
want to "act" and she replied, she was not looking for an actor; she
wanted someone who could be John. After seeing the show, I can say
that he did just that. When he spoke about this idea it brought some clarity to
my own work. I find I can get frustrated with actors who need to discuss every
detail of what is going on with their character and why they would do the
things that the script is saying. I feel like it can get quite pedantic trying
to figure out every rhyme or reason as to why someone would do something. Do we
know why we do everything? No, so why is there such a need to figure out
every character. I believe that my job is to bring the text to life, to make
offers that work with the text and simply do what the text is saying my
character does.
"Why
would my character do this?" Because the script says they do, and in the
case of a great director, trust that they know what they want and do what they
ask for. I know it could be argued that I should feel free to voice my opinion
and what I think my character might do, but what I took from Paul Gross and
David Latham this year, was that my character is actually our character.
We are building a living human together. So is it wrong to not fight them? Am I
so bold as to think that I know more about this person that anyone else
involved in the process? Who knows. What I do know is that as soon as I think I
know who someone is, they usually surprise me. In life and on stage.
If
acting is supposed to be imitating life, than that is my goal, to simply
immerse myself in the writing and fully experience what the character does in
each moment. Its funny, I forget who said this but, "...Actors rely on so
many people for their job to even exist." Meaning: You have directors,
playwrights, set, costume and lighting designers, all who create the world for
the actor. Without these important people what are we really? Just people,
standing there. Bare. So what makes us special from any other regular person?
In my opinion, what separates actors from, say, office clerks is the ability to
inhabit other people and convince someone that we are that person as well as
being able to authentically fabricate (I'm aware of the oxymoron) an array of
emotions. It's a hard job and whatever it takes to get into the skin and mind
of that character is the process, but don't be so arrogant as to put that
process on anyone else, especially other actors.
As I
tend to do, I have been thinking about my life and what I actually want from
it. I find that the more I talk to people who seem passionate about one
particular aspect of acting, whether it is film or travelling around in a
caravan putting on puppet shows for farm kids in the mountains, the more I
realize I actually have no idea what I want. I love performing. I am learning
how to be a better actor and starting to trust and explore my creation abilities.
That being said, I still feel like I have yet to land on one specific thing
that I want. Over the last few weeks I have been writing artistic statements as
part of some summer program applications, and they have got me really digging
deep into what actually motivates me as an artist. The one conclusion that I
have come to is fear. I am afraid of not being able to do what makes me
happiest. I am afraid of becoming stale and unable to book any work that
excites or impassions me, or at the very least; pays my rent. I am afraid of
all my work amounting to nothing and me having to resort to slaving away at a Joe
job because I couldn't get my career off the ground. I am afraid of being that
34 year old hipster guy who reads his poetry from a dirty moleskin to a bunch
of 20 year olds who are snapping their fingers at anyone who farts and wears a
beret. Yes, that is the epitome of hell for me.
Sitting
here, writing this, all I want for myself is to be happy. To live my dreams. Having
enough notoriety that I get a choice in what projects I want to be a part of. Having
enough credibility that people hire me for my energy and enjoy being around me.
To be valued, and diverse, to always surprise people and myself, to be a dad
someday and have enough money to support that kid. Maybe and actor isn't the
best profession for that last goal, but why not? I have seen so many artists at
the school that have families and solid relationships and they have not had to
sacrifice their career, they just make it work. I've accepted that I am always
going to be poor, but I am going to look damn good being poor, and so will my
potential baby. I am not searching for fame, but if fame allows me to be part
of amazing projects then so be it. I want the best for myself and I will fight
to have it. That's the best I can do.
Things
are very quickly wrapping up here in Montreal. My 3-year journey is coming to a
speedy end and I am looking back with a smile on all the things that have
gotten me to this point. 9 extremely talented and different people surround me.
New Words has divided us, and over theses last few weeks I have really felt the
separation. I can sense, from everyone, the need to start new chapters, and
move forward into our adult lives, yet at the same time experiencing the loss
of our family who has managed to go through hell and back over the last 3
years. No one makes me angrier or more proud than these people; I cannot wait
for this week to start and have our shows playing together in harmony. Broken
legs for everybody.
This
is it: let the final week begin.
Night
Abyss.
