Trifecta.

Over the last month, I've been dealing with a lot of things, speaking to a lot of people, writing a lot, reading a lot and restarting my search for balance.

Patience.

I keep being told things like, "As always, slow down" or "chill out". "This is your life; it's a marathon, not a sprint to the finish."At first, I was getting rather frustrated with this advice, I felt like everyone was asking me to squelch my drive, to become less ambitious. Turns out, it was just the opposite.

A mentor of mine used this metaphor with me the other night, "You're like a Lamborghini, who's stuck in traffic, in a 30 zone. You're a well oiled, well made machine; ready to take off, but there's no clear passage for you. Rev all you want, until the road's clear, you simply have to be patient and go at the pace being dictated by the surrounding vehicles." It's a frustrating idea to accept, but he's right; There's absolutely nothing I can do, but develop my capacity for patience. Then, when an opening appears, I can show what I was built for.

This idea of "chilling out", or "relaxing into where I am, right now" doesn't mean sleep all day and become unmotivated. It means, for me, to stop muscling through my life and be present. It's like working out, if all I do is lift weights, never dedicating any time to flexibility or stamina, I might be able to lift a few heavy things but I will have no sustainability.

In my "muscling it" mind-frame, I've been trying to get involved with as much as possible in an attempt to find a community, to keep busy, to prove that I'm not simply resting on my "laurels" (NTS, Olympus). All this is doing is making me look like a frustrated gardener running around planting seeds. Instead of taking the time to water, nurture and watch each of them grow, I keep planting more and more and more for fear of losing the farm; never giving any of them the time they deserve.

This is the reason I never played FarmVille.

I'm aware that my impatience comes out of fear; of falling to the waste side, of losing touch with people who inspire me, of being a flash in a pan and a whole list of other things. The only way to deal with these fears is to nullify their effect, by having patience with myself. Working at my own pace, rather than the pace I think I need to be at, or what the manual says.

Accountability 

I'm reaching a point of independence I've never experienced before. Although I've been living on my own for six years, I've always had deadlines, graduations; end dates. And it's only been in the last few weeks that I've really started to accept that this is my life. There are no more people looking over my shoulder, holding me accountable for my actions. There are no more assignments, or projects that have to be completed within a certain time limit, there is simply my desires and how I deal with the results of those desires.

I have to become my own life coach. It's really easy to motivate someone else, but how do I do that for myself?  Hold myself accountable. I think the answer for me, right now, is: experiencing. I've been muscling for so long that I've skipped past, potentially, incredible experiences. Now that I'm in this wide open pasture, (not to be confused with the Lamborghini metaphor), I'm free to act and do anything I want, it's through this trial and error that I'll discover what I don't like. Once I eliminate those things, it will be easier to focus on the positive.

I've reached a point where I'm tired of listening to people's advice, I've just heard so much of it and I really want to just lay it all out on the floor and look at it, rather than accumulate more. I want to stop trying to be the perfect student of life. I want to mess up and make mistakes, live and learn, because that's what will make me better. If I continue to move through life monitoring every single situation and dwelling on how I could have done it better, personally or artistically, then I'll burn myself out. I want to receive pleasure from living, not just have a perfect score card at the end of my life.

As time goes on, I realize that no one actually has it all figured out, they've simply spent more time with these thoughts and, potentially, have a clearer idea what it means for them.

Gratitude.

I felt a lot of this during the summer. At the time, my life felt like a dream and so being grateful for even the smallest thing, was easy. Being back in Toronto, going on 4 months with nothing prospective on the horizon, except debt, I find myself sinking into bouts of negativity and angst. These negative feelings only build into my feeling of want, rather than focusing on what I have, which is a lot. It doesn't matter how many goals I set and accomplish, how many projects, or groups, I get involved in, if I can't step back and see what I've done then I'll inevitably become jaded and pessimistic because nothing is filling "the void".

Comparison truly is the thief of joy. And gratitude is the antidote to misery.

Noticing how entitled and privileged I'd started to become, I've begun volunteering at a hospice, performing respite care, as a way to give back and be of service to humanity, to re-develop compassion and remind me of my blessings.

During a training session recently, a woman spoke about how her and her husband dealt with him being diagnosed with ALS. He was once a handsome, young, fit landscaper and one day, while he was lifting wights he suddenly lost his strength, dropping the weight. Over the next few months he started to become completely immobile. Here was this man, who, at one time, a successful landscaper, lifting weights regularly, and the picture of health, diagnosed with this life altering disease, losing his mobility entirely. Yet, despite all this, he maintained a smile, completed his masters degree in Horticulture, raised two kids and was extremely upbeat and positive until the day he passed away.

Listening to their story, watching the video they made, showing how much assistance he needed daily, humbled and reminded me of how petty my issues really are. Honestly, if the biggest problems in my life are getting a joe job, and developing some patience, then I'm doing alright. Watching this man, the love he and his wife had for one another, inspired me. Although he needed constant assistance, he found ways of maintaining his independence and continuing to live the fullest life he could; it was remarkable.

It made me think about how limitations are only what we make them. There are certain things we inevitably have no control over, but that doesn't mean we can't find a way around them, or at the very least, occupy ourselves until the traffic breaks up.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Like the age old story of the Tortoise and the Hare, I have to take my time, enjoy what's around me, and be grateful for simply being part of the race. Only when I find my rhythm, discover how to capitalize on my strengths and FREAKIN' have fun, will I come out on top. I've tried so hard to make things stay on a certain level; how it felt in the best of times. When realistically, everyday my energy is sitting in a new place, I have to assess how I feel that day, that moment, and be the best I can be.

While I continue to contemplate balance, here is photo of me in a chicken suit.

W. 

If you have an American IP Address you can check out the TEASER Trailer for Olympus here. 

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Golden -- I Am Not Afraid.

Today marks the first day of my next adventure. 

I flew in from my final week of filming Olympus last night, as I rode the bus back into Toronto I had a moment, or an exhale, as I realized, "It is done." 

This is not to say that I was waiting for what has been one of the most life changing events of my life to be over, it was acceptance that I've completed one chapter and will now be moving into the next. 

As I sit here, this morning in my bed, with my recently reclaimed cats, kneading my spare pillow into submission, I feel open; I feel excited and inspired. The possibilities have become endless once again. This might scare some, but I am not afraid. Instead, I am thankful. Over the last few months I've had the pleasure and the gift of spending a copious amount of time being with myself; learning who I am. 

I shifted immensely over this project, as always, as an actor and a man. 

I'm slowly cementing the people in my life that make me feel creative, allow me to be myself and encourage my offbeat patterns. Identifying this circle is allowing me to relinquish my need for control, gives me my much-desired confidence and makes me realize that we all need each other. 

Before I flew out to Vancouver, last week, my agent and I had a lovely conversation about where we want to go from here; I'm coming off playing a series lead on a network television show and have a new standard of work that feeds my trajectory. This is not to say that I'm now a classist, entitled actor who will only do a select amount of projects per year, *cough, Daniel Day-Lewis, cough* I'm certainly not in that position (far from it). What it is allowing me to do is give myself perspective and artist choice. 

As ambitious as it may sound, I don't want to be part of a project I'm not proud of. I don't want to look back in 10-15 years and go, "God, why did I do that?" or, "I needed to pay rent.." I will say this enough about my "Joe jobs". I want each and every artistic endeavour to be a source of pride and education. Perhaps it's a lofty idea, only time will tell. I have a wonderful and supportive partner, in my agent, and I know that she has my back; A rarity in the industry. With her and I's partnership at the height it is and me coming off of a project like this; everything is my favour. Now more than ever, it would behoove me to not go out there and kill it in my auditions. 

With my ideals aligned, my partnership strong and my resume improved, the only thing I need to get underneath me, to be truly successful, are my nerves. I have to learn how to work with them, rather than against. I shouldn't be ashamed of my nerves, but should thank them for letting me know I'm alive and passionate. They are part of me. 

Between some good/new friends, the biggest pieces of advice I have received lately are, ironically, to stop taking peoples advice and to start listening to myself. I have been in student mode for so long now and it's imperative for me to step into the artists/adult life; trust my abilities and the experiences I have under my belt. 

I have a tendency to continually ask people for advice, simply because I want to hang out with them or want to talk to them, almost always it turns into me asking them questions I already know the answers to, or walking away without much more perspective than what I went in with. I can meet someone new and not talk about my craft, or how they deal with being an artist, as radical as that may seem; we can simply talk about life. We can talk about their other interests, which are more essential to my work than ego stroking. It also keeps dawning on me that I have worked more than some people twice my age, in TV at least, and need to take pride in that fact. I don't need to start spitting my advice on strangers, but I can rest easy knowing that I carry that experience, both on my resume and on my face. I don't want to lose my positivity and wide-eyed perspective, but I have to step up and become an adult, "Studentmon digivolve to ADULTMON!" 

I have been meeting new people, who aren't actors, who have been making me feel so much more human. They have allowed me to learn about them and hear about their lives, which are vastly different than mine, and rightfully so. It's been refreshing to learn about things besides acting/writing/producing, I love all those things but sometimes one needs perspective. 

Right now, that one is I. 

I have accepted that I will need to get a part time job in the New Year, and am not bothered by that, because I will find something that will supplement my life, rather than become it. That's what I must to remember; My focus is my creative life, not being the best Starbucks barista. 

Life is in a great place for me; I'm golden. 

A good friend of mine and I had dinner the other night and spoke about the ease I feel in life right now and how I do not want to drop below this level again. She replied, "Then don't let it, but if it does acknowledge it, be in that state truthfully, and then rise back up." She is a wise woman. 

And now, I leave you with some Jill Scott: 

Golden

W.

Divine Intervention - Part Two

Continued from Part One...

I told myself that, just being shortlisted didn't guarantee me the role and so I needed to just stay positive and keep going with my plans for the day; I had to babysit that night. 

I left to go to my babysitting job, and when I arrived at the school around 4pm I received another call from my agent saying that I had been, "Shorty-McShort-listed"(her words not mine), and that I should stay by my phone as the director might call me. 

I cannot describe the amount of emotions that were coursing through my body in these moments; nothing seemed real. I was afraid to touch anything and kept thinking that I was going to wake up from this extremely stressful but exciting dream. 

Then, while in the grocery store buying ingredients for strawberry and chocolate cupcakes with the adorable 7-year-old I was babysitting, I got the call. The director introduced himself and gave me the entire trajectory of the character I had auditioned for. The conversation was dominated by him telling me what he expected and me squeaking out responses to his questions, while managing a ravenous (for cupcakes, not blood) little girl. As the conversation came to an end the director told me that "they" would be flying me out Friday and he was excited to meet me. I hung up the phone with my mouth agape, unable to process what had been dropped into my lap.

To clarify, in a matter of hours I went from living in Toronto, washing dishes 6 nights a week to playing a series lead on a network television show. There was no call back, no network panel meet and greet, no Skype call, just a self-tape, positive reinforcement and the divine hands of the universe.

The evening was spent making my final night with this generous, patient and delightful little girl, a memorable one. We played soccer, while I negotiated flight and contract details with my agent, who was flabbergasted at what I had accomplished in only being with her since March. Followed by an emotional and celebratory phone call with my mom, which was similar to this: 

When her and I got home, we made massive chocolate cupcakes filled with sprinkles and strawberries, and ate until our bellies and hearts were content. It was when her parents, my pseudo-parents, came home that reverted back to the situation at hand and asked for their advice: How to pack up my life? How to approach this opportunity with humility and grace? How to make the most of the next 4 months of my life? 

Richard was over the moon excited for me, while Nina played it cool and provided me with some sound advice, as she does: "This is simply a wave, you have to ride it gracefully and do great work. Then return home and keep living your life, the next wave will come when it's meant to. Do not put everything into this; despite it being a great opportunity, it is not the end of your worries." The two of them then helped me to figure out how to get my life in order over the next few days, and prepare for my biggest adventure since going to school in Montreal. 

A few days later, after dropping my cats off to be shipped back to Nova Scotia for a little vacation, I got onto the biggest plane I had ever seen and it finally started to become real. This wasn't an episode of Kenny vs Spenny; this was my reality. I was going to make my home (for the next 4 months) in a place I had never been to before, working on a project that I was passionate about and surrounded by people who respected me for what I could bring to it. 

It's a dream come true. 

My blog has almost reached 12, 000 views (*thank you) and to commemorate such an achievement, I am launching, while trying to avoid pretension, my official website and Facebook page. The idea behind the launch is to streamline all of my social media into one access point, that way readers have the ability to follow "Business Wayne" (LinkedIn, IMDB, etc.) or "Pleasure Wayne" (Twitter, Instagram, Bloggy, etc.).


As Ursula would say, "Make your choice."

(I could't find a clip of Ursula saying it to I found the complete opposite, but I feel as though my original severity remains intact.)

A reader reached out to me this week, and upon researching her (as I do), I found her blog and wanted to mention it here. Not only is she chronicling her journey as an actor, she also provides a dang awesome ginger soup recipe, which is more than I can say I have ever done for you.

Ginger Soup for the Actor's Soul

W.

American Bravado.

A month ago today I started working as a dishwasher, and to officiate my position we were robbed on Sunday. They were extremely brazen robbers: I was in the kitchen when I heard someone outside our back door. I walked over and saw someone sitting in what looked like a get away car, not nearly as cool as Ryan Gosling in Drive but the effect was there. I was suspicious, and the staff had told me about things being stolen before,  so I closed and locked the door. I went back to work and thought about checking the basement to see if someone had in fact snuck in, but by the time I worked up the courage to go check I heard footsteps running up the stairs. I got to the door and saw one dude with what looked like a big case of beer running and jumping into the car.

I told my fellow employee and she bolted out the door (thinking they had her purse) and sprinted down the road after them. She returned out of breath and with the license plate number. We proceeded to inform the staff and the cops were called. They came down to the restaurant, stated they had caught the car and wanted as much information about what happened only moments before. I proceeded to act everything out (as I do) and one of the senior staff members went with the cops to identify the goods that were taken. 

As we got ready to leave for the night my fellow employee said that I had passed my restaurant initiation. 

Boom. 

Before this incident, my week started off with an audition for a principle character in a feature that my good friend had been cast as the lead in. He had pushed for me to see the director and my agent managed to get me in the room, which was awesome. The days leading up to the audition I thought about nailing the part, but didn't actually hunker down and solidify my choices until the day of. I had a friend of mine help me prep before and when I finally got in the room I froze up and tried to play what my pre determined judgment of the character was, or rather what I thought they wanted to see. 

Needless to say I tanked it, and left rather disappointed in myself, not only for knowing that I wasn't as prepared as I could have been, but also because I felt like I was letting people down. It was then that this Matt Damon quote popped into my head, "It’s just better to be yourself than to try to be some version of what you think the other person wants." It dawned on me that I needed to stop doing just that, and actually be true to myself, I needed to actually live what I have been preaching: Ideally, these people are looking for truth. The most I can offer them is myself, which happens to be a lot. I'm sure they go through hundreds of people trying to BE the character and I don't wanna be just another one of those. I want to be real and make them stop and watch. 

I made a pact to myself that from now on I would give myself to each audition 150%, as Cory Monteith told me to, and walk in confident and prepared. No more of these sloppy, half there attempts. I'm kind of shocked in myself that I actually had to make this pact, but me walking into that room and being surprised by how cold things were made me realize all I had to make myself comfortable, was myself. No one was going to hold my hand and ease me into the work that needed to be done. I need to be able to work comfortably under pressure and the only way I can do that is by being prepared.

Later in the week I had my first singing lesson in years with Susan Cuthbert, who is awesome. She was also Christine in the original Canadian cast of Phantom of the Opera, which made my knees buckle when she told me. Well, to be honest she told me indirectly. I was signing some of the Music of the Night and when I got to the final note, she replied, "That's how Colm would do it every night, while he held me in his arms..."

I died a slow nostalgic death. For those of you who don't know: My mom and I love Phantom and I grew up listening to the Toronto cast recording. Susan throwing this little tidbit out about her and Colm Wilkinson threw me for a complete loop. I realized who I was in the room with and became a tad star struck. Luckily this was closer to then end of the lesson. 

Before this moment happened, Susan and I talked a lot about performance and how even to this day she still gets nervous and is critical of herself in rehearsal; something that, as you know, I completely identify with. We also talked about how I felt isolated not being able to sight sing or play any instruments, that the way I learn how to sing a song is by listening to it repetitively so that it becomes ingrained in me. 

She said that she uses the same method. 

To find someone, who continues to have a career in musical theatre and shares the same method of learning music as me was deeply encouraging. She told me that I may not be as musically gifted as those that are able to sight read like kings, or play piano but I am still able to sing well, follow melodies and rhythm and ultimately perform what is asked of me. Who cares how I get there. It left me feeling so full and made me realize how much more achievable a musical theatre career could be. 

I left my lesson feeling so positive and excited for my next one. 

Last night I audited a class at Armstrong Acting Studio, specifically Salvatore Antonio's level 4 class. It reminded me of the scene studies we would do at NTS, the biggest difference being that there is a camera involved. I took a lot of notes, as Salvatore was full of golden advice nuggets, not only about scene work but about the industry. Looking back over my journal, as I rode the streetcar back to my apartment, there were some things that resonated with me. Especially where I am still in this state of not knowing. 

Salvatore spoke about how actors tend to talk profusely about their issues with a scene rather than simply doing it. As an actor, I have found myself being intimidated by what was being ask of me in a scene or complaining that it was "too hard" or "what do they expect me to do with all this stage direction?" and all kinds of personal issues. He talked about how there is always going to be a way out, something to complain about, but the people who succeed are the ones who can move past that attitude and give everything to the request at hand. Which is, for 1-8 minutes (for film) of ones life and commit to what is written on the page. It's that simple. 

He said this great thing, "if we are thrown off by everything that is fake (meaning what the given circumstances of the scene are) then we are in the wrong profession." If as an actor I am going to waste my time focusing on the things that are hard or uncomfortable, rather then stepping up to the plate and knocking it out of the park, then I have to question what I'm doing with my life. Dread and complaints have no place in my work. This is not to say that they don't exist, they do. But as Salvatore suggested, write down a list of the things ones hates about the scene; look at them, acknowledge them, and get back to work. Or a phrase that I am stealing from him, "Journal that shit out!"

People don't wanna hear about someone’s issues, ain't nobody got time for that, they want to see the person who can do the job. And I need to be that person, or at best give my attempt at being that person, which leads me to something else Salvatore spoke about: Start viewing auditions as simply attempts. Stop being so precious about the work, dive into it and have fun. Even the best actors have to sit in that waiting room for their opportunity to give an attempt at a role. Everyone gets the same sides at the same time, has to sit in the same room and do the same lines as everybody else, so the only things I have control over is how my time is used before the audition, and focusing on how to do the best version of me in the audition. If after I have done that and they still don't like me, well then that's their issue not mine. At the end of the day, if I was truthful to myself, did the prep work and was confident in what I was offering that’s all I have control over, especially in film. 

It's funny how much control I want, but actually have to let go of to be successful in this industry. So many things are out my control and I simply need to do what I can and leave the best impression possible. 

Salvatore spoke about an 'American Bravado' and I thought this encapsulated exactly what I have been looking for.  This translated to me as a pride and ownership over my work, a claiming of territory, and the competitive and patriotic nature of Americans. I know that I have these qualities inside of me (I am half American) and I really need to let them thrive. I need to stop excusing myself or making up reasons why I couldn't give the time to something I claim to care so much about. I don't take no for an answer in my personal life, why should my artistic life be any different? 

Thinking about this reminded me of what Colm Feore said to us (NTS) when he won the 2014 Gascon Thomas Award, "If you want to be where I am, prove it." I think this is one of the biggest hurdles I am facing, simply proving to myself that this dream is a reality. It is so easy to fall into doubt and negative feelings. I just have to go for it, as simple and cliché as that may sound, it's the only thing that is stopping me from rising to the top. Also preparation. I have coasted through a lot of projects because of my talent and that can't really help me anymore. This is the big league; I am not in the safe environment of school where teachers are focused on my needs. I have chosen to enter this storm of an industry and if I don't fight hard I will be ejected to the outskirts. I want, more than anything, to be in the eye of it. 

I have been buying books instead of food, and yet somehow I still feel full. 

I got sunburnt today because I was at the beach for most of the afternoon. 

It was glorious. 

It may seem as if Salvatore has paid me to quote him as much as I have, but this is the last one: "The great actor is simply the great observer; he who observes himself and those around him." When I allow myself to be informed by my actions, and allow others actions to inform me I become better as a person and ultimately an actor. Yet another cliché that when actually put into motion can change ones life. 

W.