Sunday, April 6, 2014


Hey Abyss,

Today I am 23.

I was able to get out and have some fun last night, which was great. As I awoke this morning at 9am (after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels and 4 tequila shots) I realized that my youth was still intact. Even though I don't party very often, my body is still resilient, it was comforting.

After feeling this surge of youth it dawned on me how much needs to be done before I graduate. I have less than a month to get things in order and prepare myself for a location and lifestyle shift. So, with all that life stuff on my mind I felt it best to get out of the house and avoid doing any of it. Montreal was beautiful this morning and it reminded me of how remarkable the Summers are here.

I just want it to be warm. I want to go swimming at the beach. I want to drink Heineken and barbecue. I want to lay in sun all day; reading all of the books I have accumulated, but haven't had the time to enjoy. I want to see my friends and hear about their lives. I want to be in Toronto. I want to work. I want to start my new life. I want to be a working actor again. I want money. Money for food, music and fashion. I want to be rich and buy the clothes I want--wow, things escalated fast there. I know I keep saying this but I am so ready to move. I am in this state where I just want to start packing and be as ready as I can for when that gate door unlocks and the race begins.

I feel like Lizzie McGuire's Mom in that episode from season 2 where she goes bargain hunting.

Hand me one of those blue energy drinks and let me fight for the good stuff; my career.

Rehearsals have been going really well. I put my foot in my mouth at the start of this process by arrogantly saying that I was not scared of my character and that I didn't think it would be that much of a shift from who I am in real life. Needless to say that pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. It was cocky of me to think that I wouldn't be challenged in this role. I am eating my words now as this week I was up against some deeply personal things and really working hard to acknowledge those fears and move past them. Everyone on the team is doing great work and I am striving to be up to par. One of the challenges of being an actor is really digging into these vulnerable places and finding or rediscovering parts of yourself, then bringing it to life and living in that scary or forgotten place. This role is opening me up to new ways of thinking and I am deeply enjoying it despite the momentary discomfort.

I would rather be challenged than comfortable. I know I am on the right track when it is scary and difficult. Why would I want to do anything but that. An actor's job isn't easy. Or at least I think it shouldn't be. Constantly being in a state of unknown and having to trust what is happening around you is a huge lesson to learn as a person in one life time. To keep learning it every time one approaches a role requires a lot of stamina and self awareness. One has to be deeply in touch with themselves, and I can't wait to keep digging.

Not this week, but the week following I have an audition in Toronto and I am starting to prepare this week. I have a huge support system and I really want to use it. I am excited about the possibility of getting the part and am going to work diligently on nailing every aspect of it. My thought is: as long as I feel I did my absolute best in the room than I have succeeded. It's just another opportunity to build a person and present them.

This post is a little shorter than usual because all the things I have put off doing all day actually need to be done. Even writing this entry is procrastinating.

I want to thank all of the readers for being so loyal to this blog. Last week Would-Be reached over 10,000 views. This has been a 3-year project so far and I cannot wait to see how it picks up as I enter the real world and get back into the game.

Keep reading.

Night Abyss.

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