Thursday, June 13, 2013

Evaluation.

Hey Abyss,

This week has happened.

I head to Ottawa in 9 days and I feel like I don't know where the time has gone. It hasn't really hit me until this year; time just escapes when you aren't looking. I am preparing for the second stage of my summer which is going to consist of a lot of plane rides, directing, performing, meeting new people, exploring, watching Beyoncé and of course teaching. Basically in that order. The first part of the summer was supposed to be "down time" time to recollect on what has happened to me this term and how I can improve going into this year. Although I have done some recollection, I feel like most of the things I have been grappling with are going to fall into place once I am utilizing them all again.

It is so scary how quickly I can become lazy and abandon the practice they teach us at NTS, now this of course is due to a compilation of things; me being tired, lazy, wanting to escape...and so on. Lately my body has been giving me signs that is misses the schedules and the regulation. It craves the stretching and the warming up, despite how much I loathe them. I feel like this is part of the process though, if you continue to work on the things you hate eventually they become things you enjoy. The hardest part of this cycle is not just running away, but sticking with it, as hard as it is. Believing in the system.

The biggest challenge for me as a person/actor is listening. Frankly, I just don't do it. And by listening I mean all aspects: scene partners, myself, situations... I spent the weekend with one of my very close friends at my cottage which has no running water or electricity. All we had was a wood stove, a propane light, and clean water in a Gatorade cooler. The place is the epitome of serene. There was a moment, one evening, where he was very quiet and I asked him what he was thinking about, and he replied that he was purely listening. I asked him, "To what specifically" and he said, "All of the sounds. And each of them individually. The wood stove, the light, the clock, the ocean.." With that, I laid my head back on my chair and started to just listen for the sounds he mentioned. Almost instantly my mind cleared, like someone had taken a chalkboard eraser to my mind. It was peaceful, finally.

All year my teachers, my family, and my psychologist have all repeated the same things to me; LISTEN! And it took my closest friend in my cottage to actually let that hit for me. It was a revelation. If one can listen without judgement, to all things, then one can exist authentically. Everything that pours out of them is truth. There is no indulging, no pretending, just living. This word is my word for life, whenever I feel overwhelmed or chaotic, I have to take the time to simply listen.

I watched Inside the Actors Studio yesterday and it featured the cast of Mad Men. It was a great episode, all of those actors have come from such diverse backgrounds and have had extremely different routes to the show, it was inspiring. The one thing that stuck with me the most was Jon Hamm's response to a girls question from the audience. She asked him about how much rehearsal they get before shooting a scene. And he replied, "None. You are expected to come onto set knowing your lines and having done your research. You are coming into a well oiled machine and if you junk it up with tripping over your lines then you are replaced." He was talking about TV, but I think the rule applies to all mediums of acting. His frank statement really drove home what happened to me earlier this year in Snap Back to Reality, also this quote by Tom Hardy has resonated with me the last few days:

''Surviving is one thing. You can get through, you can white-knuckle. You can do the bare minimum. But there comes a time when life stops rewarding potential. If you want to participate on a certain level in anything, you cannot just turn up and be respected." 

These instances have really impacted me, and how I need to change up my approach. The things that have been working for me over the last 22 years are not going to work forever it is time to reevaluate.

On a lighter note I had an audition yesterday with a very nice girl. I felt okay about it, but who knows what will come of it. And Blackbird opened on over 50 screens in France yesterday!

I feel truly blessed to have the amount of support I do, thank you to all the readers for letting me unload my brain and evaluate myself in front of you. This blog is coming up on is 3rd year anniversary!

Night Abyss.

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